Patty
Patty has been going out with Sean for almost two years. When they met, she was impressed by his intellect and great knowledge, but the better she got to know him, the more she realized he wasn't a good partner for her.
She had already considered breaking up with him several times, but on second thought, why be alone during weekends when, after all, what was holding them together were the wonderful hikes through nature they took? And besides, the chances of finding someone better were really small.
Patty knows that Sean isn't a suitable partner. But the fear of being alone discourages her from leaving. She justifies staying with him using endless excuses.
Excuses and rationalizations you use to justify staying where you are
When you stay in a relationship that isn't good for you and are afraid to change, you look for excuses and rationalizations to justify yourself:
* "One has to make compromises in life."
* "I'll never find a better relationship anyway."
* "My partner will change."
* "Things will be different with time."
* "I don't need a lot from my partner anyway."
* "No one can give me all I need - at least I have someone."
Coping mechanisms you use to staying in an unsatisfying relationship
In an effort to cope with an unsatisfying relationship, you might engage in activities without your partner: meeting with your friends, attending workshops and lectures, spending time in outdoor activities, and the like. You try to spend as little time as possible with a partner with whom you actually don't want to be, but nonetheless stay because of your fear of being alone.
At times, not having the courage to end the relationship, you make use of pretexts for staying by claiming that:
* "I still love my partner a little."
* "I feel affection for my partner."
* "I've become accustomed to my partner."
At times, you might even use philosophical statements:
* "We're born alone and die alone. Life is full of loneliness, so if we can avoid it by being with someone, even if it isn't the right person, why shouldn't we?"
* "Life has no meaning anyway, so what does it matter who we're with?"
* "Life is short. We can't keep looking for the best all the time. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
Don't deceive yourself!
These excuses, reasons, rationalizations and philosophical "words-of-wisdom" often border on self-deception, since it's more convenient to believe in your own justifications rather than leave an unsatisfying relationship. When those close to you call your attention to it, you are likely to get angry at them, not realizing that your anger is an indication that deep down you "know" you deceive yourself. Yet, the Fear of Being Alone exerts so much power over you that you just don't take the necessary steps to change.
Understand what drives your fears - and make a change
When you take the time to be alone, observe and get to know yourself, you can understand the needs, deprivations and messages which drive your Fear of Being Alone and impel you to not make any change in your current situation. With this understanding you can develop the personal power that enables you to combat the Fear of Change, seek and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 130 articles on the subject and of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship (Chapters 11, 12, 13 discuss fears and how to overcome them): http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com/
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