When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Overcoming our fear of change consists of several steps:
1. Observing yourself.
2. Identifying the fears that control you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself.
4. Getting up the courage to step out of your comfort zone.
5. Initiating action, even something small to begin with.
Stephanie: An example of going through the steps to overcoming the fear of change
1. Observing your thoughts and feelings
Stephanie was furious: after all these years with William, taking care of him and being there for him, and now he's behaving like such an ingrate! She felt like she'd wasted the best years of her life on him. She wished she had the courage to leave and start a new life.
On second thought, though, wouldn't that be a waste of all the years she'd invested? So maybe it was better for her to stay and continue the way she was already accustomed to?
Prior to deciding one way or another, Stephanie thought that it would be better to honestly check whether there was still any reason for her to stay: Was it still possible to save their relationship? Was there still room for her to grow or was everything really over between them?
Analysis
While considering leaving William and being angry at herself for having wasted the best years of her life on him, Stephanie decides to observe:
* What does she expect from their relationship?
* What's making her feel stuck?
* What does she needs to do in order to grow?
As she observes, Stephanie realizes that she is disappointed not only from William, but also from herself, for neglecting her own growth.
Investing in a relationship is worthwhile, even if you later separate
You might believe that if you have invested emotional energy and a great deal of time in a relationship, leaving it means that you have wasted all that time and energy.
But is it so? Is the anger you feel toward your partner and yourself justified? When you carefully observe, you can realize that even if the present relationship isn't satisfying you the way you would have wanted it to, the time and energy that you invested were not wasted:
* This relationship enabled you to grow and develop (and careful observation can help you realize in which ways).
* Your current dissatisfaction stems from the fact that now you see and understand about yourself and about the relationship what you didn't before (which proves your growth and development).
* What you learned about yourself can now help you develop a new, intimate and healthy relationship.
Even a relationship which came to an end can help you in your journey to greater self-awareness
2. Identifying the fears that control you
It hits Stephanie that three years earlier, when she met William, she stopped going to creative writing workshops. They loved spending as much time together as possible. Now she isn't satisfied with their relationship any longer but is still stuck with it. Isn't it stupid?
Stephanie feels it's time to find out why she stayed with William for so long; and yes, it's time to go back to writing workshops. Through writing she could always express herself.
Still, she's afraid to bring up this workshops issue with William: how can she justify her wanting to attend them, after such a long time that she hasn't done so? What does it say about their relationship?
Analysis
When Stephanie gets up the courage to observe and re-think about all the years she's spent with William, she realizes that she has become used to him and is afraid to disappoint him. Will he leave her? Will she be alone? She wonders whether the fear of being alone made her stay with him for so long - or was it love.
Observation enables you to understand your fears
When you observe yourself and pay attention you can acknowledge and understand the unconscious fears that have driven you to behave one way or another, sabotaging yourself and your relationship. Such observation enables you to remind yourself what is really important to you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself
Stephanie realizes that with all honesty, what she wants more than anything right now is to go back to writing workshops and give expression to what has been boiling inside her for so long; to surround herself with others who have common interests to hers. Going back to these workshops may even help her understand what she still expects from her relationship with William.
Analysis
Stephanie asks herself what's really important in her life and in her relationship with William. She believes that a writing workshop will enable her to better understand, express and empower herself. She confronts her fears and makes her desire for writing a priority.
Knowing yourself enables you to get in touch with your dreams and desires
Getting to know yourself enables you to be attentive and sensitive to your inner voice: to your needs and desires, your dreams, aspirations and longings.
Self-awareness enables you to get up the courage to be true to yourself
4. Stepping out of your comfort zone
At first Stephanie is afraid that William won't understand. He might be surprised at her sudden decision - after all, she has stopped attending writing workshops such a long time ago. Can she really take the risk that he might react with anger, might stop loving her and decide to end the relationship?
Analysis
Stephanie hesitates about staying within the comfort zone she's grown accustomed to. William is already used to her being available to do things together whenever he wants. The writing workshop would change that. But now that their relationship is not satisfying her anymore; that she must understand things about herself; that she has such a desire - a need, actually - to express herself in writing, she feels that self-expression through writing has become critical for her, and she knows what she wants to do.
Being true to herself, respecting her decision, Stephanie knows she needs to step out of her comfort zone, inform William of her decision and attend the workshop.
5. Doing something, even something small - but doing it!
After some reflection, Stephanie decides to respect her wish. But instead of enrolling in a weekly workshop, she decides to begin with a full day one. She will then decide how to proceed.
Leaving your comfort zone is crucial if you want to make a change
Sometimes, when you want to change the situation of your existing relationship, but are afraid, the best is to begin with something small; this will get you out of being stuck and enable you to start the process of change.
Leaving your comfort zone means - getting up the courage to go through your fears and resistance. Mostly, when you begin with small steps, you realize that it isn't that scary. Sometimes you might even surprise yourself: "Why has it taken me so long?"
You can begin the process of change by doing something, even minute. The most important is - doing it!
Summary
You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn't satisfying, you're afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others' reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.
In either case you use rationalizations and justifications for not changing, eventually resorting to casting doubt on the need for change or your ability to change.
When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 130 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
In his book Dr. Gil shows the many ways by which many sabotage their relationships, teaches how to become aware to it, make the necessary changes and cultivate a successful bond ( Section V: Becoming Aware of Fears that Control You and Harm Your Relationships).
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com
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