How to End Something With Class

There is verse from the Bible that states, "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven" (Ecc. 3:1). At some point and time, everything comes to an end because the things this world has to offer are not meant to last forever. You don't have to look far to see that things change and eventually end; just observe the changing seasons, the passage of a day into night, and the life span of animals and people. Perhaps you are experiencing an end in a relationship, in a partnership, in an occupation, in a church, or in an organization. But whatever the reason for the ending, you have the choice, actually the power, to end with class or without it.
Ending something with class requires thought and intention on your part as this is contrary to human nature. When something ends, some tend to blame others for the problem, some make excuses for their behavior, some gossip about the people involved, some withdrawal and pretend it does not matter, or some pick apart every detail as if searching for a buried treasure. Worse yet is the justification that these patterns are even necessary in order to prevent future endings. These patterns do not encourage positive exchanges in the future; they merely extend the frustration and resentment of the moment.
Admit to the ending. Once you come to the realization that something must end, take the initiative and be honest about needing to end it. This is not a time to wait until someone else makes the first move, be the one who has the courage to be honest about the circumstances. Ending with class means that you are up front and open about what is happening, willing to absorb the frustration and confusion this may cause for others. Make a plan; be intentional and kind especially if the other party does not know what is going to happen.
Acknowledge your part. To end anything with class requires self-reflection as to the part you played in the ending. Perhaps you did not give your best to the relationship, your occupation, or the organization. Perhaps you avoided necessary conflict or perhaps you stirred up too much conflict. Whatever your contribution, acknowledge your mistake and make amends with the people involved even if you believe you will never see them again. It only takes a moment to apologize and heal but it can take a lifetime to get over being wronged by someone else.
Amicably say good-bye. Once confronted with an ending, two natural instincts kick in: flight or fight. Some run away as soon as the ending is announced not allowing for a positive resolution while others fight back with accusatory remarks. Neither is beneficial. Rather take the time to discuss your feelings and thoughts about the matter, neither being dismissive of other points of view nor compromising on the final decision of ending something. Focus on the positive of the relationship, organization, or occupation openly admitting to the benefits you have received over time instead of the problems.
If you are the one making the decision to end something, spend time thinking the process through before you pull the trigger, this will save unnecessary anger, resentment, or confusion. If, on the other hand, you are the recipient of a decision, don't be afraid to ask for clarification either in the moment or later. In either case, you still have the power to end it with class or without it.
Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
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How Can You Overcome the Fear of Change and Become Able to Develop a Satisfying Relationship?

You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn't satisfying, you're afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others' reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.
When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Overcoming our fear of change consists of several steps:
1. Observing yourself.
2. Identifying the fears that control you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself.
4. Getting up the courage to step out of your comfort zone.
5. Initiating action, even something small to begin with.
Stephanie: An example of going through the steps to overcoming the fear of change
1. Observing your thoughts and feelings
Stephanie was furious: after all these years with William, taking care of him and being there for him, and now he's behaving like such an ingrate! She felt like she'd wasted the best years of her life on him. She wished she had the courage to leave and start a new life.
On second thought, though, wouldn't that be a waste of all the years she'd invested? So maybe it was better for her to stay and continue the way she was already accustomed to?
Prior to deciding one way or another, Stephanie thought that it would be better to honestly check whether there was still any reason for her to stay: Was it still possible to save their relationship? Was there still room for her to grow or was everything really over between them?
Analysis
While considering leaving William and being angry at herself for having wasted the best years of her life on him, Stephanie decides to observe:
* What does she expect from their relationship?
* What's making her feel stuck?
* What does she needs to do in order to grow?
As she observes, Stephanie realizes that she is disappointed not only from William, but also from herself, for neglecting her own growth.
Investing in a relationship is worthwhile, even if you later separate
You might believe that if you have invested emotional energy and a great deal of time in a relationship, leaving it means that you have wasted all that time and energy.
But is it so? Is the anger you feel toward your partner and yourself justified? When you carefully observe, you can realize that even if the present relationship isn't satisfying you the way you would have wanted it to, the time and energy that you invested were not wasted:
* This relationship enabled you to grow and develop (and careful observation can help you realize in which ways).
* Your current dissatisfaction stems from the fact that now you see and understand about yourself and about the relationship what you didn't before (which proves your growth and development).
* What you learned about yourself can now help you develop a new, intimate and healthy relationship.
Even a relationship which came to an end can help you in your journey to greater self-awareness
2. Identifying the fears that control you
It hits Stephanie that three years earlier, when she met William, she stopped going to creative writing workshops. They loved spending as much time together as possible. Now she isn't satisfied with their relationship any longer but is still stuck with it. Isn't it stupid?
Stephanie feels it's time to find out why she stayed with William for so long; and yes, it's time to go back to writing workshops. Through writing she could always express herself.
Still, she's afraid to bring up this workshops issue with William: how can she justify her wanting to attend them, after such a long time that she hasn't done so? What does it say about their relationship?
Analysis
When Stephanie gets up the courage to observe and re-think about all the years she's spent with William, she realizes that she has become used to him and is afraid to disappoint him. Will he leave her? Will she be alone? She wonders whether the fear of being alone made her stay with him for so long - or was it love.
Observation enables you to understand your fears
When you observe yourself and pay attention you can acknowledge and understand the unconscious fears that have driven you to behave one way or another, sabotaging yourself and your relationship. Such observation enables you to remind yourself what is really important to you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself
Stephanie realizes that with all honesty, what she wants more than anything right now is to go back to writing workshops and give expression to what has been boiling inside her for so long; to surround herself with others who have common interests to hers. Going back to these workshops may even help her understand what she still expects from her relationship with William.
Analysis
Stephanie asks herself what's really important in her life and in her relationship with William. She believes that a writing workshop will enable her to better understand, express and empower herself. She confronts her fears and makes her desire for writing a priority.
Knowing yourself enables you to get in touch with your dreams and desires
Getting to know yourself enables you to be attentive and sensitive to your inner voice: to your needs and desires, your dreams, aspirations and longings.
Self-awareness enables you to get up the courage to be true to yourself
4. Stepping out of your comfort zone
At first Stephanie is afraid that William won't understand. He might be surprised at her sudden decision - after all, she has stopped attending writing workshops such a long time ago. Can she really take the risk that he might react with anger, might stop loving her and decide to end the relationship?
Analysis
Stephanie hesitates about staying within the comfort zone she's grown accustomed to. William is already used to her being available to do things together whenever he wants. The writing workshop would change that. But now that their relationship is not satisfying her anymore; that she must understand things about herself; that she has such a desire - a need, actually - to express herself in writing, she feels that self-expression through writing has become critical for her, and she knows what she wants to do.
Being true to herself, respecting her decision, Stephanie knows she needs to step out of her comfort zone, inform William of her decision and attend the workshop.
5. Doing something, even something small - but doing it!
After some reflection, Stephanie decides to respect her wish. But instead of enrolling in a weekly workshop, she decides to begin with a full day one. She will then decide how to proceed.
Leaving your comfort zone is crucial if you want to make a change
Sometimes, when you want to change the situation of your existing relationship, but are afraid, the best is to begin with something small; this will get you out of being stuck and enable you to start the process of change.
Leaving your comfort zone means - getting up the courage to go through your fears and resistance. Mostly, when you begin with small steps, you realize that it isn't that scary. Sometimes you might even surprise yourself: "Why has it taken me so long?"
You can begin the process of change by doing something, even minute. The most important is - doing it!
Summary
You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn't satisfying, you're afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others' reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.
In either case you use rationalizations and justifications for not changing, eventually resorting to casting doubt on the need for change or your ability to change.
When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 130 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
In his book Dr. Gil shows the many ways by which many sabotage their relationships, teaches how to become aware to it, make the necessary changes and cultivate a successful bond ( Section V: Becoming Aware of Fears that Control You and Harm Your Relationships).
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com
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Is There A Best Way To Handle A Breakup?

Whether you have been in a relationship for a very long time or not breaking up is never easy. Even if you were the one to initiate the break-up it is still very difficult. The breakup will cause an emptiness in your life that will not be that easy to fill right away. So you may have to ask yourself is there a best way to handle a breakup?
Even if you were the one that wanted out of the relationship you are more than likely to experience many hurt feelings. The first thing you need to do is flush those hurt feelings out. Women may do this by crying and men may do this by becoming more physically active. Another best way to handle a breakup and an effective way to get rid of the hurt is to write your ex a long letter. Put your heart and soul into this letter. Do not leave anything out. Letting them know all the good things about the relationship and also the things that really hurt you during the relationship will be another best way to handle a breakup. Then next best way to handle a breakup will be to spark a match and burn the letter you just wrote. You will be amazed at how this will make you feel.
Another best way to handle a breakup is to really acknowledge that the relationship is over. If you keep holding on to thoughts that there is a chance of you two getting back together you could very well miss the opportunity to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. You may think you have them out of your life but when you see little signs of them still lying around your house they will pop into your mind. You need to give back or throw out all those things that are going to trigger memories of your ex.
Another best way to handle a breakup is to turn to your friends. You will probably go through a few breakups in your life and the one constant through it all is your friends. True friends are there in the good times and the bad times. Sometimes when we are in a relationship we tend to ignore our friends but that is the great thing about friends they understand. Also our friends have probably had similar experiences which will help you see that life will get better.
Sometimes when we are in a relationship we not only ignore our friends but we also put aside certain activities that our ex was not interested in. Maybe you liked going to sports events, playing sports, going to the theater, etc. Now would be a good time to get back into activities that you stopped because of your ex. Starting a new hobby can also be a best way to handle a breakup because it will keep your brain and body occupied. This will definitely help you to move on.
Remember there is life beyond your ex and your friends can help you with the best way to handle a breakup.
Breaking up is never easy. Knowing the best way to handle a breakup can help ease the pain. To find out how you can handle your breakup go to http://www.waystowinbackanex.net/


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How Can I Find Love? The Secret Key That Will Transform Your Love Life

If you are searching for a love relationship, but keep getting disappointed... if you are attracting the same man in a different body over and over again... or if you feel that you give a lot and get little in return, then there is one question I want you to ask yourself, the answer to which will transform your entire life experience: Do You Love Yourself?Yes, it's obvious. Yes, you've heard it before. And yes, it's very easy to say: Of course, I love myself! Yet, in 90% of cases, the ultimate reason why you haven't been able to attract love into your life is your lack of love towards yourself.
Why? There are books written about why and how we lose self love. Most of the reasons trace back to our childhood. When we were scolded for wrong doing (on a regular basis), or told we weren't "good enough" by our well-meaning parents, we took it literally and personally, and the "not good enough" part imprinted in our subconscious mind, forever depriving us of the ability to love ourselves. Religion added to it telling us we are all sinners, so it's in our nature to do things that are "wrong."
It's really not that important to try to understand why we lost self love, but what is important is to notice how the lack of love for ourselves causes us to literally push love away on all levels and attract people who can't or won't love us.
How Does It Work? The tricky part is that you may not be aware that you hate or are ashamed of some aspect of yourself. On the surface you may think, I am fine. Your brain tells you that because logically you know there is nothing wrong with you. Yet, when you meet a guy you like, your first impulse is: He is way out of my league. I better run before I get hurt.
Another way this issue shows up is when you are in a relationship with someone, you subconsciously expect it to end badly. Deep inside you know he will soon lose interest, or find someone else. How do you know that? Because you rely on the assumption that you are "not good enough."
So, What Happens Then? Then you act in ways that convey to him that you are trying to save the relationship.
You are afraid to lose himYou cling to himYou become suspiciousYou sacrifice yourself to do stuff for him that he doesn't valueYou sacrifice your values and beliefs in an attempt to make him like you
He feels trapped and feels the need to get out.
Or, another scenario: You become cold and push him away in an attempt to be the one leaving and avoid getting hurt.
The Shift. In order to attract love into your life you have to first cultivate love within yourself. You have to radiate love. You have to start with the most important person in your life - YOU.
The problem is, we expect ourselves to be perfect (according to some standards). When we don't meet those standards, each flaw gets magnified in our eyes out of proportion. The trick is to love ourselves exactly the way we are, including the flaws.
Can you accept that you are overweight, and love yourself still? Aren't there overweight people that are lovable? Can you forgive yourself for being "stupid and lazy" and not being able to achieve the desired level in your career, and love yourself still?
Above all. Can you step out of your self-accusing bubble and see that all the things that you hate about yourself (including the ones that you don't clearly understand) are actually not that bad. They are what makes you human. If you can accept them in others - you can accept them in yourself.
Once you learn to accept and love yourself exactly the way you are, you will step into your power. You will radiate inner strength, love and beauty (the kind of beauty that is not measured by weight-to-height ratio or the perfection of your facial features.)
Your entire life experience will transform, and you will draw to yourself people and relationships that are entirely different from what you had before. No longer will you need someone else to "complete" you. Being at peace with who you are will eliminate co-dependence from your life, and you will be able to attract a partner who will value you as much as you value yourself.
For a complete step-by-step guide to attracting your ideal life partner download free e-book "4 Steps to Soulmate Attraction" at http://www.mytimetobeloved.com/
Lubov Skurina is a transformative relationship coach; founder of My Time to Be Loved, creator of Soulmate Attraction System?. She specializes in helping single women around the globe attract their ideal life partner by transforming their core beliefs and reclaiming their authentic ability to give and receive love.

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Journeying Beyond Betrayal

Common to relationships and love is the portion of cursing in the matters of betrayal. We are not the only ones to have been betrayed! Indeed, it won't be the last time it will occur, so let's expect it when we least possibly expect it (if that's possible).
The test of any relationship's strength is how it wrangles with and survives conflict - the key question is, can it survive and possibly even thrive because of it?
The truth is so many relationships have!
The betrayal that polarised minds and tore intimacy apart was the very thing that proved the catalyst of commitment - to try to live apart or to have life this different way proved the worth of the relationship; that very conflict, when it was fairly and justly sorted, thrust before both the meaning in the relationship, even in the harsh light of day.
IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
Just as it was likely that two caused the initial ruction, and if not directly then indirectly, so too do two create the bridge that broaches the chasm.
All that is required for love to ensue is the faith-held promise, one to another, to a form that will prove as a two-pack epoxy in the sight of God, the Primer. Two it is that make a sticky mix that promises to harden beautifully into product, and it takes two to make the dance and song of life together come along. Few would argue, and sensibly so.
Commitment is the byword of hope for all relationships; and whilst it's sometimes true that it takes two to break a relationship, it's always true it takes two to make a relationship.
BETRAYAL IS NO END IN ITSELF
If we were to contend that the sin of betrayal were an end beyond fresh beginnings then we'd be telling God he got it wrong in the design, bringing, and begetting of salvation - that's a Trinitarian blasphemy aimed at defrauding the Lord all ownership of redemption.
No, those that own the lay of the reconciliatory land are those that happen to be the protagonists - and no other. There is life after betrayal if they wish it so.
With all the emotive will and skill known to each one, they consider the merits of their unique situations and stake claims of life or peril, and all between.
THEN THERE IS TRUST
When all is said and done we come to the central caveat of trust - for the initial perpetrator; or the next one, or situation, arriving at our shores.
Trust is to the low tide of the relational coastline in terms of betrayal. Whenever the tide is out and betrayal goes up and trust goes down surely we must know that joy is, for a time, extinguished.
Our joy we can have back, and peace, when we do our internal work of bringing the tide in, by learning to trust again; perhaps neither the person nor the situation, maybe, but we learn what we can and resolve to trust again.
Journeying beyond betrayal is just that: learning what we can and learning to trust again. And in these things we're healed.
***
There is a beautiful land well beyond the troubled shores of betrayal. This land is home to peace and joy and it embraces love, because it can trust; that is because it has done its internal work with God. Many relationships have great hope beyond betrayal but both partners need to be equally committed.
© 2011 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbetterlife.blogspot.com/

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Keeping Romance Alive in Your Relationship (Part 1)

So many people these days are struggling to keep their love alive. Too many are dissatisfied with their partners for many reasons, one of which is, that the combustion seems to have dwindled to the fire of a match.
This can cause problems in many other areas of a relationship, for the result of colder times is, withheld feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity, and other similar feelings of unworthiness...
Resentment seems to be the number one result of having a cool relationship. Sadly, it takes two to ignite or distinguish the fires of love. Still, each partner will blame the other for the lack of romance...
If I were in such a position being in a cold relationship, I would find ways to relight the fire. I would first rebuild the relationship on friendship, that the feelings of resentment have time to melt a bit. Secondly, I would flirt in every way I could, as unobviously as feasible. If there was a spark of interest, I would take that as a sign, therefore taking it to the next level. I would make sure that I looked great at all times, and, that I used my personality to re-attract my intended...
Without being overly obvious, you could implement lingerie into your mornings and nights, and, gradually add more and more suggestive pieces into the nights. Like in the beginning, you could don a satin, flowing robe with a nice chemise beneath; making sure that you looked your best in the morning. In the evening, you could wear a robe with a beautiful gown beneath, making sure that the robe is open that he might see how great you look. Of course, attitude has much to do with how you represent this new attempt at looking irresistible... You must act out the part of being the seducer, as subtlely as feasible...
Reconnecting is a matter of someone making the first move. If your love means enough to you, you will find ways to make it happen. This is one area where couples fail. Each are too stubborn or even embarrassed to make the first move after time has allowed distance in their relationship. That is a mistake, for it can only lead to more troubles and more insecurity...
There is an age old question worth mentioning here: Would you be happier with or without this person in your life? That should be the deciding factor here. If you decide that you would be much happier with them in your life, then, measures need to be taken to assure that they will, indeed, remain in your life. Do not let foolish, even childish stubbornness or spite last, as it will increase the wedge, making it all that more difficult to get back on track.
I know for sure that if you don't do something, love will become more and more stagnant and you will eventually drift so far apart that it might be more than difficult to regain a level of shared love...

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How Do You Relate to Others?

In previous articles we've looked at getting clear on what you want to accomplish in your relationships, and why. Now let's look at the next step to developing the connections in your life: examining what you're bringing to the table...
The way to strengthen or develop a relationship is to identify what is already working - or at least the possibilities and potential - as well as an awareness of what isn't. We can then maximize the positive aspects of the relationship while working together to develop and practice more adaptive alternatives to what's broken.
Exactly how to do this is beyond the scope of this article - but a good place to start is looking at how you relate to others:
Having this awareness helps foster successful relationships because it gives you the opportunity to identify what you do well, as well as identify new behaviors to try on. It also fosters insight into which types of personalities, environments, and situations you prefer.
Knowing this allows you to make some conscious decisions and plan accordingly. It allows you to decide with whom and where you can easily develop relationships, and with whom and where you choose to step out of your comfort zone (or not). You can decide which relationships will come more naturally and easily; and which will take more time, energy, and skill.
Begin by looking at the relationships you've had in the past. Start with your childhood and move forward to the present day. Here are some example questions to ask yourself:
Who was your best friend? Why?
Who did you get along with best in your family? Why?
Who were your favourite teachers? Bosses?
What drew you to various romantic partners or adult friendships? What sustained them?
Who do you feel most comfortable around currently?
Who makes you challenge yourself to be a better person? How?
Think of all the people in your life, past and present, that you connected with on the deepest levels. What were the common features of these relationships? Of these people? Of the situation you were in together?
What was your contribution?
Now think about who you've had the most difficult times with. What made it difficult? What part did you play in this?
Think about what your answers to these questions mean: after you've decided what you want from the relationships in your life - and which relationships you want to work on - think about what it is that you're bringing to the table.
Think about how you typically relate to others in a variety of circumstances; and decide which traits and habits to build upon, which to change, and which to let go of completely.
Chris Hammer, Ph.D. is a certified professional coach and licensed psychologist. He offers leadership and life coaching services, as well as various self-development tools for people who are passionate about reaching higher levels of success and becoming the best they can be.
Get your free eBook on Great Communication at http://www.mycoachingbooks.com/
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