How Can You Overcome the Fear of Change and Become Able to Develop a Satisfying Relationship?

You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn't satisfying, you're afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others' reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.
When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Overcoming our fear of change consists of several steps:
1. Observing yourself.
2. Identifying the fears that control you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself.
4. Getting up the courage to step out of your comfort zone.
5. Initiating action, even something small to begin with.
Stephanie: An example of going through the steps to overcoming the fear of change
1. Observing your thoughts and feelings
Stephanie was furious: after all these years with William, taking care of him and being there for him, and now he's behaving like such an ingrate! She felt like she'd wasted the best years of her life on him. She wished she had the courage to leave and start a new life.
On second thought, though, wouldn't that be a waste of all the years she'd invested? So maybe it was better for her to stay and continue the way she was already accustomed to?
Prior to deciding one way or another, Stephanie thought that it would be better to honestly check whether there was still any reason for her to stay: Was it still possible to save their relationship? Was there still room for her to grow or was everything really over between them?
Analysis
While considering leaving William and being angry at herself for having wasted the best years of her life on him, Stephanie decides to observe:
* What does she expect from their relationship?
* What's making her feel stuck?
* What does she needs to do in order to grow?
As she observes, Stephanie realizes that she is disappointed not only from William, but also from herself, for neglecting her own growth.
Investing in a relationship is worthwhile, even if you later separate
You might believe that if you have invested emotional energy and a great deal of time in a relationship, leaving it means that you have wasted all that time and energy.
But is it so? Is the anger you feel toward your partner and yourself justified? When you carefully observe, you can realize that even if the present relationship isn't satisfying you the way you would have wanted it to, the time and energy that you invested were not wasted:
* This relationship enabled you to grow and develop (and careful observation can help you realize in which ways).
* Your current dissatisfaction stems from the fact that now you see and understand about yourself and about the relationship what you didn't before (which proves your growth and development).
* What you learned about yourself can now help you develop a new, intimate and healthy relationship.
Even a relationship which came to an end can help you in your journey to greater self-awareness
2. Identifying the fears that control you
It hits Stephanie that three years earlier, when she met William, she stopped going to creative writing workshops. They loved spending as much time together as possible. Now she isn't satisfied with their relationship any longer but is still stuck with it. Isn't it stupid?
Stephanie feels it's time to find out why she stayed with William for so long; and yes, it's time to go back to writing workshops. Through writing she could always express herself.
Still, she's afraid to bring up this workshops issue with William: how can she justify her wanting to attend them, after such a long time that she hasn't done so? What does it say about their relationship?
Analysis
When Stephanie gets up the courage to observe and re-think about all the years she's spent with William, she realizes that she has become used to him and is afraid to disappoint him. Will he leave her? Will she be alone? She wonders whether the fear of being alone made her stay with him for so long - or was it love.
Observation enables you to understand your fears
When you observe yourself and pay attention you can acknowledge and understand the unconscious fears that have driven you to behave one way or another, sabotaging yourself and your relationship. Such observation enables you to remind yourself what is really important to you.
3. Getting up the courage to be true to yourself
Stephanie realizes that with all honesty, what she wants more than anything right now is to go back to writing workshops and give expression to what has been boiling inside her for so long; to surround herself with others who have common interests to hers. Going back to these workshops may even help her understand what she still expects from her relationship with William.
Analysis
Stephanie asks herself what's really important in her life and in her relationship with William. She believes that a writing workshop will enable her to better understand, express and empower herself. She confronts her fears and makes her desire for writing a priority.
Knowing yourself enables you to get in touch with your dreams and desires
Getting to know yourself enables you to be attentive and sensitive to your inner voice: to your needs and desires, your dreams, aspirations and longings.
Self-awareness enables you to get up the courage to be true to yourself
4. Stepping out of your comfort zone
At first Stephanie is afraid that William won't understand. He might be surprised at her sudden decision - after all, she has stopped attending writing workshops such a long time ago. Can she really take the risk that he might react with anger, might stop loving her and decide to end the relationship?
Analysis
Stephanie hesitates about staying within the comfort zone she's grown accustomed to. William is already used to her being available to do things together whenever he wants. The writing workshop would change that. But now that their relationship is not satisfying her anymore; that she must understand things about herself; that she has such a desire - a need, actually - to express herself in writing, she feels that self-expression through writing has become critical for her, and she knows what she wants to do.
Being true to herself, respecting her decision, Stephanie knows she needs to step out of her comfort zone, inform William of her decision and attend the workshop.
5. Doing something, even something small - but doing it!
After some reflection, Stephanie decides to respect her wish. But instead of enrolling in a weekly workshop, she decides to begin with a full day one. She will then decide how to proceed.
Leaving your comfort zone is crucial if you want to make a change
Sometimes, when you want to change the situation of your existing relationship, but are afraid, the best is to begin with something small; this will get you out of being stuck and enable you to start the process of change.
Leaving your comfort zone means - getting up the courage to go through your fears and resistance. Mostly, when you begin with small steps, you realize that it isn't that scary. Sometimes you might even surprise yourself: "Why has it taken me so long?"
You can begin the process of change by doing something, even minute. The most important is - doing it!
Summary
You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn't satisfying, you're afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others' reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation.
In either case you use rationalizations and justifications for not changing, eventually resorting to casting doubt on the need for change or your ability to change.
When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 130 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
In his book Dr. Gil shows the many ways by which many sabotage their relationships, teaches how to become aware to it, make the necessary changes and cultivate a successful bond ( Section V: Becoming Aware of Fears that Control You and Harm Your Relationships).
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com
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Keeping Romance Alive in Your Relationship (Part 1)

So many people these days are struggling to keep their love alive. Too many are dissatisfied with their partners for many reasons, one of which is, that the combustion seems to have dwindled to the fire of a match.
This can cause problems in many other areas of a relationship, for the result of colder times is, withheld feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity, and other similar feelings of unworthiness...
Resentment seems to be the number one result of having a cool relationship. Sadly, it takes two to ignite or distinguish the fires of love. Still, each partner will blame the other for the lack of romance...
If I were in such a position being in a cold relationship, I would find ways to relight the fire. I would first rebuild the relationship on friendship, that the feelings of resentment have time to melt a bit. Secondly, I would flirt in every way I could, as unobviously as feasible. If there was a spark of interest, I would take that as a sign, therefore taking it to the next level. I would make sure that I looked great at all times, and, that I used my personality to re-attract my intended...
Without being overly obvious, you could implement lingerie into your mornings and nights, and, gradually add more and more suggestive pieces into the nights. Like in the beginning, you could don a satin, flowing robe with a nice chemise beneath; making sure that you looked your best in the morning. In the evening, you could wear a robe with a beautiful gown beneath, making sure that the robe is open that he might see how great you look. Of course, attitude has much to do with how you represent this new attempt at looking irresistible... You must act out the part of being the seducer, as subtlely as feasible...
Reconnecting is a matter of someone making the first move. If your love means enough to you, you will find ways to make it happen. This is one area where couples fail. Each are too stubborn or even embarrassed to make the first move after time has allowed distance in their relationship. That is a mistake, for it can only lead to more troubles and more insecurity...
There is an age old question worth mentioning here: Would you be happier with or without this person in your life? That should be the deciding factor here. If you decide that you would be much happier with them in your life, then, measures need to be taken to assure that they will, indeed, remain in your life. Do not let foolish, even childish stubbornness or spite last, as it will increase the wedge, making it all that more difficult to get back on track.
I know for sure that if you don't do something, love will become more and more stagnant and you will eventually drift so far apart that it might be more than difficult to regain a level of shared love...

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Rationalizations and Explanations You Use to Justify NOT Changing an Unsatisfying Relationship

When the fear of change withholds you from changing a relationship which is not satisfying, you might resort to rationalize and justify why you don't make any change by stating that:* You feel obligated to your partner, to his family or to members of your family.
* You live together in a rented apartment, and tell yourself you can't break the lease and rent an apartment by yourself.
* You are busy at work and convince yourself you don't have the time or energy to deal with "these kinds of issues".
* You are about to graduate and tell yourself that right now it's better to concentrate on successfully completing your degree.
* You are expecting to hear about a new job that you were interviewed for and prefer not to make any changes in your current situation until you hear if you were hired.
* You tell yourself that in your state of health it's better to wait.
On the surface, some of these rationalizations and justifications sound very logical, as this is their function. The truth is that the fear of change exerts so much power over you, that you resist any possibility of making a move. It's easier for you to stay in the current situation, rather than initiating a process of change. Eventually, you resort to cast doubt on the need for change, or your ability to make it.
Casting doubt on the need for change: Scott
Scott feels that he should do something about his relationship with Pat. Since she began her new job, she's forgotten that she has a partner. It's not that he's against her professional advancement - on the contrary: he was the one who supported and encouraged her to study and move forward. But now that she's finished school, it seems to him that she's pushed him aside and is moving ahead only at work.
But then, maybe he is exaggerating. Maybe he is asking too much. Maybe he really doesn't understand how hard she works and what responsibilities she has.
Explanation:
Scott isn't satisfied with Pat. He feels that she isn't devoting him enough time. But he resists doing anything about it because he's afraid:
* To discover that she may not love him anymore.
* That she might become even more remote.
* That she might leave him.
Frightened by what changing the nature of his relationship with Pat might bring about, Scott casts doubt on the need to initiate any change at all. He tells himself that he has been carried away by his expectations.
The difficulty in changing habits and the resistance to stepping outside of your comfort zone might drive you to cast doubts on the need for change. You begin to wonder if the situation is really as bad as it seems. You tell yourself: "Things aren't so bad with my partner. Actually, everything is basically okay".
Casting doubts on your ability to change: Jill
Jill wants a partner that will fill her with pleasure and satisfaction, growth and personal fulfillment. Is it too much to ask for?
The problem is that she's been with Nick for four years, and even though he isn't good for her, she doesn't believe she'll ever find someone better.
"That's my fate", she tells her friends, and "I guess that's the way it's supposed to be". Despite her desire to break up with him and find another partner, she doesn't dare to leave.
When you, like Jill, resist the prospect of change, casting doubts on your ability to change, you might justify to yourself why it's better to avoid initiating any change but rather stay in the existing situation. You tell yourself:
* "I don't stand a chance."
* "There's no hope."
* "It's impossible."
* "Others have tried and failed, why should I succeed?"
Casting doubts on your ability to change causes you to stay in the current unsatisfying situation.
The steps you need to take in order to stop justifying yourself and make a change
When you are in an unsatisfying relationship and don't have the courage to make a change neither in the relationship nor leave, instead resorting to using rationalizations and explanations to justify not initiating any change, you quite likely end up bitter, angry, frustrated and stuck.
When you become aware of your rationalizations and the fears controlling them you are then able to move forward in making the necessary changes. This involves:
* Acknowledging the rationalizations and justifications you have been using to stay foot in your current situation.
* Admitting and combating the fears and resistances that control you.
* Initiating change and bring new quality to your life.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 100 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com/

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Nine Secrets For An Awesome Relationship

Seems to be the season for relationship break downs around here. I've got a few friends moving like molasses through the pain of separation. I am sad for them, and yet I know there is good stuff lying in wait around the corner.For my husband Rob, who is a divorce lawyer, and who was divorced himself before we met, it's always the season, day in day out. I figured if anyone might know the secrets to a good relationship, it might be him - someone who sees what doesn't work every day.
Plus I've been told many times over that our marriage is the source of much inspiration for others. We have a GREAT relationship! So here are some insights from our respective experiences.

1. "Families who play together stay together." This is Rob's #1 top secret to a successful relationship. What he means is that you enjoy each other's company, that you have some common interests, that you have adventures together. That's why we go on skiing trips, go body boarding in the surf, go running together, watch movies, play with the chickens and hang out together. We like each other's company.

2. Enjoy your respective 'boy time' and 'girl time'. We hang out together, but we don't live our lives in each other's pockets. Rob plays tennis with the boys on Wednesdays and Sundays and I get facials, massages, and this weekend I'm going for high tea with the girls. Bring it on.

3. You don't divorce your best friend. Rob asked me, 'how many times in your life have you ditched a best friend?' Stumped me. My closest friends are still my closest friends, even though we are continents apart and don't see each other often. There's a sense of unconditional support and appreciation, a non-judgment of best friends that holds the relationship together. Apply this to your own intimate relationship.

4. Always speak your truth. If something is niggling, bring it up. Do this before your head explodes with all the imagined responses and twists and excuses and other crapola that your imagination can drum up.

5. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Sure it's easier to be around someone who is tip toeing through the tulips every day, but you cannot make them happy - they have to do that for themselves. You can't love someone enough to make them happy. They've got to do that - from the inside out. Your job is to tend your own happiness, your own focus, your own emotional vibration - that is something YOU can control, so focus on that. Bonus: your joie de vivre will tend to rub off on others.

6. Stop needing them to change. Are there things about Rob's behaviour I don't like? Sure. Like when he leaves the toilet seat up. Grrrr... He says, "I put the lid down as much as much as you close the door to the outside when the heater is on." So if you're going to point fingers, they get pointed back. Focus instead on appreciating what you do like - like the way he brings me flowers from the office every Friday. I LOVE that!

7. Create your own rituals, inside secrets, and family culture. All the examples I can think of are adults-only. Except for maybe the 'tea top up' command which means, "please can you show me that you love me by filling up my tea cup and really I am too lazy to do it for myself" or singing the 'clean-up song' we learned from my niece's day care as the signal for, 'let's do this boring task together and make it fun by acting like two-year olds'. (Did that sound as dorky as I think it does? Well I guess that's the point - we give ourselves permission to act a little like dorks and have some fun together, even with the mundane daily tasks).
8. Tell each other why you love each other, and why you like each other. Saying 'I love you' and then following it with 'because...' keeps the juicy parts of your relationship alive and fresh and bubbling. Kind of like a sourdough starter - you've got to keep feeding it.


9. Love you, and your life, on your own. You do not need anything or anyone or anywhere to make you feel good. All you need is the power of your focus, the direction of your attention. And the more you can do that, for yourself, in any given circumstances, the more you'll feel free. You'll fill with the joys of spring and every day will glisten with weekend delight. You will radiate compassion and sexiness and mojo galore. You'll be so filled with love that you will overflow with it, inviting others to play at your party. And that will fill your cup of love even more.
That's a short list - I would LOVE to hear your tips on relationships that rock your socks. Please leave a comment and let me know YOUR secrets.
Leadership Coach, Speaker, and Author Zoe Routh works with women in business to enhance their personal effectiveness and leadership capacity for global effect. For free tips on how to become a more effective leader that will save you time, money, energy, and stress, go to http://www.innercompass.com.au/

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Relationship Counseling - Why Women Discuss Undesirable News

Something about women that seriously leaves men scratching their heads: their strong ability to discuss terrible news. This is seen by numerous males as absurd and they often take exception to this sort of conduct.Men view this type of sharing as essentially dangerous to both them and their family members. Males attempt to protect against this sort of conduct because they worry about being rejected for having a lack of competence.
For a lot of men, the sharing of awful news with individuals who they're in a close relationship with is an admission of failure, or inability to conquer stumbling-blocks. As you could have already discovered, women normally view this type of scenario from a very different standpoint.
The majority of women reveal bad news not for the intent of relishing it, but for the aim of relating intimately with one other individual. The process of talking about the undesirable news allows them to be seen and thus to get rid of feelings of isolation. A good counselor will tell you that a woman's capability to get rid of feelings of isolation is very important to her overall health and wellbeing, which permeates all components of her life.
Women reveal terrible news because from their point of view, it's lots better than not talking about any news at all. The drawback occurs when they get started on discussing poor news with their man and he fails to know what she is hoping to achieve. Men generally think that the women are whining to them and that they need to do something to deal with the predicament.
If a man is weary, then he may mistakenly assume his wife is protesting and complaining over what sort of a job he is doing as a partner. Now, he is liable to get defensive and will pull back and distance himself from his wife. When this occurs, the circumstance can decline right away for the husband and wife; where they wind up accusing each other of bad behaviour.
The woman's goal was to relate to her life partner and the subject matter is often secondary: a mean's to an end. From the man's standpoint, the subject matter being talked about is of utmost significance, not actually the process of relating with his better half. He is trying to make a connection with her by helping her resolve an issue. This is how he has been conditioned to see his significance in the world: as a problem solver.
Men foolishly assume that the problem women are trying to fix is rooted in the subject they have talked about, but that is usually not the way it is. Women are typically using a certain subject, in this case: terrible news, as a way to create intimacy with their mate.
Chris Keenan is the founder of Easy Relationship Help. They provide a low cost alternative to traditional counselling. Their no risk approach to relationship help makes it straightforward for folks to secure the marriage counselling aid they want. "Why be all alone when you don't have to?"

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