Learning to Take the Time to Relax: Concerning Mental Health and Being There for Friends and Family

Over the years, I have seen people coming in to see me with all kinds of issues and concerns. Not long ago, I saw a few clients coming in with a different kind of complaint. They were not so concerned about themselves, but were worried about a dear friend or family member going through a critical illness. This particular woman stated that she wanted to be supportive for her friend, yet was concerned about being too pushy or intrusive.she just wasn't sure how to handle her involvement. First I told her how lucky her friend was to have such a kind and compassionate friend as she. Then we discussed the challenges facing a support system when someone you care about receives a life-threatening diagnosis. I thought this was a very important topic and worthy of this article.When someone gets a critical diagnosis, whatever that may be, they often go through the same stages of grief as one who is dying, even if that is not the case. Just the diagnosis itself, can create shock and disbelief. It can make the individual feel vulnerable and unsafe as well as fearful of what the future holds for them. The Kubler-Ross model, often used to describe the grieving process, states that many people go through several different stages of grief when facing death. It starts with denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Not everyone goes through all these stages, and the order may vary, but it gives you an idea what your friend may be experiencing following his or her traumatic diagnosis or event. Even if they are not facing a terminal illness, just the shock of surviving an accident, or a serious diagnosis, can also trigger a grief reaction. While they are not grieving the loss of life, they are grieving the loss of feeling safe and invulnerable, and that can affect a person emotionally as much as the process of healing physically.
Most of us go through life with a kind of belief or attitude that if we do our job, work hard, be responsible and follow all the rules; we will stay safe and nothing too devastating will happen to us. Most believe that they only need to start worrying about degenerative diseases threatening their life once they get older and become frail. Although we all know that this is not necessarily true, it is the story most people tell themselves, a kind of universal denial in order to feel safe and powerful. So whether you get this diagnosis, or if you are in a serious accident, or you lost your house in a fire, whatever the dire situation is, it can send you into a tailspin of shock, fear, denial and depression until you come to accept the situation and learn how to deal with it.
When you are the friend, sister or cousin of this person, you may find yourself reacting on two different levels. On the one hand you may feel shocked yourself hearing about your friend, you will probably feel sad for them and worried and want to be supportive. On another level, this can bring on a lot of fear and stress for you. If you, like most, of us, have been living under the illusion that you are safe and expect to stay that way, what do you say to yourself now that your closest friend has been diagnosed with a critical illness? This can create a dilemma as on the one hand you want to be supportive and there for her, but on the other hand seeing your friend, sister or colleague shrinking in front of you, becoming depressed and vulnerable, or witnessing their reactions to the chemo, radiation, or medical visits can create so much stress and fear in your, that you may find yourself looking for any reason to avoid dealing with her and her needs. Her vulnerability reminds you that you can also become vulnerable, and who wants to be reminded of that? For this reason, you may find yourself using any excuse to avoid dealing directly with her needs. You may feel guilty but you are so paralyzed with fear and anxiety, that you feel you are more ready to deal with the guilt than walk with your friend through this mine field of anxiety and stress.
The good news is there are many ways that you can be there for your friend or family member. If you can't bring yourself to go with her to the doctor, or the hospital, you can:
- offer to watch her children so she has time to rest
- go shopping with her or for her
- take her out to a movie, to distract her
- explain to her that you are not abandoning her but the situation is bringing up a lot of stress in you and this is the best you can do for now
- ask her how she is and don't accept "fine" as a real answer
- Tell her you are so sorry that she has to go through this
- Make her a supper, so she doesn't have to cook
- Take her out for a walk
- Make phone calls for her
What not to say:
- don't tell her you know of other people surviving this illness. She doesn't care about other people. She may be still in shock or denial mode
- don't tell her to be positive. She will feel angry and think that you are minimizing her situation
- don't tell her it will be fine. You don't know that and neither does she
- don't tell her she has to be strong. She is not feeling strong right now, she feels terrified
For people facing these challenges, it's not just about the right doctor, the right physiotherapist, or treatments, it's also dealing with the emotional impact that this situation has placed on the individual. They are feeling overwhelmed, lost, scared, exhausted, depressed, and terrified. They are not fine but might say so because they know or feel that is what you want to hear. The truth is the one who needs the help is embarrassed or shy or afraid to ask you, in case you can't handle it. This is the time when you need to raise the bar, and be there for her or him. Isn't that the true meaning of friendship and family?
Rhonda Rabow, M.A.
Author's Bio Rhonda Rabow is an author and a psychotherapist living in Montreal, Quebec Canada. She has over 25 years experience counseling individuals, couples and families facing a variety of life challenges; from parenting, grief, depression, and self-esteem issues, to conflict resolution and marriage counseling. Her approach is empowerment and she accomplishes this by helping her clients find solutions to their problems and teaching them the skills and tools they need to feel back in control of their lives. She has also recently published an e-book called, "Discover the 3 secrets to living happily ever after".
http://www.helphelpmerhonda.ca/
http://www.rhondarabow.com/

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Learning to Detach

If there is one thing that persistently interferes in all relationships, both within business and our private lives, that constantly gets in the way of finding creative solutions to our problems and opportunities to progress in all manner of ways, it is the attachment we have to our own opinions. It is something I am trying to give up, but it is not that easy.As someone who genuinely does, at least try to appreciate different viewpoints, I am often slow to come to a conclusion about many things. This, I think, is part of the problem. By the time my opinion has solidified regarding some matter that I may deem to be important, I have generally also considered various other popular perspectives on the issue and come to my own decision. If someone brings up such a topic in conversation, I sometimes find myself drawn in to pointing out possibilities they may not have considered.
It is not unusual for me to hold a minority opinion and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I also don't think it is wrong to have a different opinion to someone else and I think everyone's opinion deserves respect. But frequently, in conversation, it seems that people are not as interested in exploring a topic so much as defending their own position; and, despite what I have said, I am gradually coming to the awareness that exactly the same is true of me.
Who am I to think that another person may not have considered all the same possibilities before reaching their conclusion and who am I to think that my own opinion is better formed? That is the personal development lesson that I have been trying to embrace most recently. The answer is in the principle of detachment: that all opinions and views are valid to some extent and so it is unwise to be too rigidly attached to any of them.
Even in coming to the above conclusion, I can foresee a possible difficulty. I can easily imagine some future discussion in which I might be asked to explain to my friends, perhaps at a dinner party, why I hold no fixed view on the topic being discussed, assuming I can actually manage it, of course. Then, as I attempt to explain the principle of detachment, someone else challenges my opinion on the principle of detachment itself, and tells me that it is a good thing to have an opinion on whatever it is that is being discussed.
Well, I guess I will have to come up with a strategy to deal with the challenge should it ever occur, but I am, more and more, becoming convinced that by holding all possible opinions, and simultaneously holding no opinion, I can liberate myself from the burden of defending the personal views I hold and, in the process, might save a lot of energy that could be better directed.
There was an occasion that I remember someone saying that she would never forgive the Germans for what they did in the war. Foolishly, I engaged in that conversation pointing out that the German nation had done its level best, since the war, to make amends for its past and that perhaps the time had come to forgive. The result was quite a heated conversation in which both parties exchanged frank views and neither party was persuaded that the other might have a point.
On another occasion, I can remember someone becoming quite angry that, in response to their story of a friend whose pay had been cut by her employer, I said that she should get another job. He said that this person had no choices or options available and I said that there were always choices and if the person really had no options, then the pay the employer was paying was her market worth. It may sound harsh, but it represents my view about how economies are driven by market forces. Again the atmosphere was somewhat charged and neither person appreciated the opposite point.
One final example: I remember someone expressing an opinion to the effect that science had basically disproved the Bible. Again, foolishly, I felt it was my place to point out the error in that thinking. I can't remember exactly how the discussion went, but my contribution was around my view that it is perfectly possible to come to a synthesis between the Biblical and scientific views of how we come to be here. Again, neither party was persuaded that the other had a valid point.
Now, I don't want you to get the impression that I am always going around looking to people to argue with, but these are the kind of fruitless conversations I am seeking to avoid in the future. They are both meaningless and pointless. As I said, I am sure it will be a lot easier said than done, but developing more of a detached position, even on the most contentious issues, perhaps most importantly, is something I intend to practice.
If you enjoyed this article, you will also enjoy The Inspiration Blog
Will Edwards is Founder of http://www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/

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