Who Picks Up the Bill? How Gender Role Expectations Ruin Relationships

Every single one of us are raised with different expectations of how we are meant to behave according to our gender. Culture plays a huge role, as does the expectations of the society around us: friends, family, television, etc.There are multiple problems that differences in gender role expectations cause. From the very first interaction, gender roles play a part. Who initiates contact? Who asks who out?
Even after the first, second, and third waves of feminism, it's not uncommon to hear questions such as "Is it okay for me to ask him out?" or comments such as "She came on way too strong." There are still supposed "rules" for how a woman should behave during the courting ritual and how a man should go about pursuing her.
A man recently told me that because he is a staunch feminist, he would never open a car door for a woman and he would expect any woman who experienced such an insult to experience a fit of righteous indignation. Yet, some women expect men to open car doors. For a woman who had come to regard men opening doors for women as a sign of courteous consideration, the man's insistence on never opening her door could lead to misunderstandings and eventual arguments.
Gender role expectations play a part throughout the relationship. Even on the first date, who picks up the check? And more importantly, who keeps picking up the check?
On our 5th or so date, one of my exes shared with me that one of things he really liked about our first date was that I had reached for my wallet when the bill came. He ended up picking up the bill, which he said he usually did unless the girl didn't even offer to pay. Ah, and the slippery slope of gender role expectations continues.
The thing is society, culture, family, etc. all express opinions and assumptions about what men should do and what women should do. Both men and women internalize these gender roles and consciously, sometimes unconsciously, act them out. And these actions are often what we use to gauge whether someone is "feminine" enough or "masculine" enough. So the simplest action (such as who picks up the tab) is endowed with meaning.
As a relationship progresses, gender role expectations will become even more of an issue. Who stays home with the kids? So it's always advisable to understand what your partner's role expectations are before diving into a relationship.
Qua International is a boutique introductions agency specializing in personalized matchmaking for our busy, young professional clientele. Although we cater primarily to bi-cultured Asians, we strive to help all of our members find the perfect match.
You can learn more about us at http://www.quainternational.com/.

View the original article here

Read More...

Skip the Words, Say It in Flowers!

Flowers have always been a big part of relationships with friends and loved ones. Flowers are given as a token of love on first dates, anniversaries, birthdays and holidays such as Valentine's Day, and Mothers Day, the biggest flower giving day of the year. Roses are one of the most purchases flowers on a wedding day. Flowers represent so many emotions and say so much, whether it be, "I love you," or "I'm sorry." the recipient of flowers will most likely accept the gift with a smile and great appreciation.Expressing feeling on paper or in words is often hard for many people, which is why flowers can do the talking for them. To many, roses are the most beautiful of all flowers. Roses come in a variety of colors and each color represents something completely unique and special. Many florists and flower lovers alike will agree that Red roses are the most popular choice of roses. They represent love, respect and passion. A single red rose is an easy way to say. "I love you." Yellow roses carry significance in friendships, telling the recipient "I care about you and I am glad you are my friend."
While many of us would graciously accept lavender roses with no meaning attached, we might be slightly more delighted to find out the meaning behind these purple beauties. Lavender roses are thought to represent the feeling of "love at first sight" when given to another. Deep or dark pink roses are said to convey a message of, "thank you," and lighter pink roses carry a message of grace, happiness and sweetness. Orange and coral roses share a common meaning; both are believed to express emotions tied to desire and fascination.
Sometime the message conveyed with flowers is much more simplistic. Saying what you need to say in words or "in flowers" is a personal choice, but saying it with flowers is often very effective in conveying feelings of love, or even "just because." Flowers are often simply given to be given. Roses are an unspoken gesture of beauty with an enchanting aroma that so many love. When we may have a difficult time expressing our feelings, flowers can often help do the talking for us. For all aspects of our lives and all life cycle events, flowers help us welcome new babies into this world, tell the ones we love how much we care, comfort those who are grieving, or brighten someone's day with a thoughtful gesture. Flowers really do say so much.
Need flowers for your next event or anniversary? Visit our website at http://watermillflowers.com/

View the original article here

Read More...

Relationships: What Roles Are We Playing In Our Relationships?

What I am referring to by the term 'roles' is the way one behaves in the relationships in their life. So with the description out of the way, the first question is; what causes one to behave as they do in relationships when their behaviour is dysfunctional and disempowering and doesn't lead to fulfilling relationships? This is something I am going to do my best to answer.Present Day Behaviour
During those moments where ones behaviour is dysfunctional or disempowering, often the following can occur; something is said or something is done and before we know it our behaviour is completely out of control. With it seeming to happen so fast that we can often believe we have no control over our behaviour.
Although this might not just be a one of occurrence, it is usually a set of behaviours that appear throughout a relationship. There could also be behaviours that are constantly triggered around men, women or authority figures for example.
And once these behaviours are triggered it can be difficult to regain ones composure. It might cause one to feel that there is nothing they can do and this is who they are - an effect of the environment as opposed to a cause.
What Is Happening?
In all of these moments something is being triggered in the mind and what is being brought to the surface is usually the result of a memory or an accumulation of memories from ones childhood or an earlier point in life.
These triggers are often so subtle and out of conscious awareness that they can just seem to happen. This then naturally leads to feelings of powerlessness and of being a victim of circumstance.
Regression
As these memories are usually being triggered from ones childhood or from earlier relationships it can feel as though one is regressing. That their usual sense of self and their behaviour is no longer in existence.
Why Do They Still Exist?
It is quite clear that these old ways of behaving are counterproductive to ones wellbeing and empowerment, so why do they still exist? They exist because they are still associated with what is safe to the ego mind.
During ones childhood and younger years these were the behaviours that were utilised to ensure ones survival. To go against them at that time of one's life would be perceived as leading to rejection and abandonment.
Stimulus And Response
So looking at a scenario again, it now makes a lot more sense. All that is required is a trigger of some kind and our behaviour will then, as a consequence, regress to how it was at an earlier stage of our life. With this earlier stage usually being ones childhood.
This is one of the reasons that the behaviour is counterproductive, as it might have worked all those years ago to keep one safe, but when it comes to the present day the behaviour is outdated and disempowering.
Projecting Roles
These roles are not only limited to the roles that we play ourselves; there is also the other side of the coin. This is when we interpret others and see their behaviour in a way that reflects the roles of our caregivers or the people in our past. And by doing this, our ability to be conscious and to see others in a more balanced or conscious point of view is lost.
Example
Perhaps when one was younger they had an authoritative mother or father. It might then play out in two ways; the first would be that whenever they come across an authority figure they will tend to become submissive and fearful. The other likely approach would be behaviour that is aggressive and hostile.
Another example is the women who had an overbearing or controlling father. And when she is in an intimate relationship she has a tendency to regresses back to her earlier behaviour and the role she had around her father. This of course has no benefit and only causes her to feel overwhelmed and powerless.
In both of these examples, ones unprocessed past is being projected and manifested into the present moment and is then reappearing in the form of 'roles'.
That's The Way It Is
As I have mentioned above in regards to the nature of these roles; we can act in a certain manner and perceive others in specific ways, without ever noticing that these roles are being carried out and because of this unawareness we can go through life without ever questioning these roles.
Where Did These Roles Originate From?
These roles that we see in others and the roles that we embody are in many ways a consequence of our original role models. And our original reference point for role models is typically our parents/caregivers.
These were seen as god like figures and as people who were completely different to us. And in terms of their physical size and perhaps mental growth they were different to us. But inherently they came from the same place as us and are no different to us. They are still human beings who have needs and imperfections like us.
Parental Figures
The role of a mother and father is generally something that the majority of people can relate to and understand as an example. This could be because they are one of these roles or because they have had one or both of these in their life.
They are roles that are familiar and easy to understand. However, there are often emotions of anger and frustration and feelings of being let down and betrayed when one go's over their experiences with their parents or in comparing thir parents with other people's parents.
Development
However, as we grow older and develop ourselves, we have the chance to see our parents/caregivers more for who they are as opposed to the god like figures we thought they were. And that maybe they were the best people for our own growth to occur. Something that will be easier to grasp if one believes or knows that life has meaning and harder to believe in, if one sees life as random and meaningless.
They likely had needs that were not met and their own pain, all of which were likely to been have projected onto us and affected our upbringing and development.
Freedom From Roles
There might always be job titles and roles that are apart of those in our society, however the psychological roles that we play and perceive in others are not static. The types of roles that we play and the roles we interpret other people to play can always change.
With dancing there is a constant motion and movement, and just like how a dance will stop when there is resistance; so will the flow of life when our mind becomes fixed and resistant.
Awareness is required for this flow to happen and for the dissolving of roles to occur. And first and foremost awareness of ourselves and out of that allows for the awareness of others.
My name is Oliver Cooper, I been have been actively interested in self enquiry and self healing for over eight years. For just over a year I have been expressing my understandings with these transformational writings. One of my aims is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been to me.
Feel free to join the Facebook Group - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Of-Resonance-Transformational-Writing/134282036672239?sk=wall

View the original article here

Read More...

The Fear of Being Alone Might Accentuate Your Fear of Change: How Can You Defeat Both Fears?

You, like many others, might be controlled by the Fear of Being Alone: the sense of loneliness; the silence in the house, the lack of touch and soft caress. Being alone makes you feel unloved and invaluable. You feel that without a partner you have no one to share your life with. You might tell yourself that "anyone who is worth anything has a relationship".The Fear of Being Alone might therefore drive you to stay in a relationship that isn't satisfying, but fearing aloneness accentuates your Fear of Change. You stay foot, don't make a move, and continue to be miserable.

Patty
Patty has been going out with Sean for almost two years. When they met, she was impressed by his intellect and great knowledge, but the better she got to know him, the more she realized he wasn't a good partner for her.
She had already considered breaking up with him several times, but on second thought, why be alone during weekends when, after all, what was holding them together were the wonderful hikes through nature they took? And besides, the chances of finding someone better were really small.
Patty knows that Sean isn't a suitable partner. But the fear of being alone discourages her from leaving. She justifies staying with him using endless excuses.

Excuses and rationalizations you use to justify staying where you are
When you stay in a relationship that isn't good for you and are afraid to change, you look for excuses and rationalizations to justify yourself:
* "One has to make compromises in life."
* "I'll never find a better relationship anyway."
* "My partner will change."
* "Things will be different with time."
* "I don't need a lot from my partner anyway."
* "No one can give me all I need - at least I have someone."

Coping mechanisms you use to staying in an unsatisfying relationship
In an effort to cope with an unsatisfying relationship, you might engage in activities without your partner: meeting with your friends, attending workshops and lectures, spending time in outdoor activities, and the like. You try to spend as little time as possible with a partner with whom you actually don't want to be, but nonetheless stay because of your fear of being alone.
At times, not having the courage to end the relationship, you make use of pretexts for staying by claiming that:
* "I still love my partner a little."
* "I feel affection for my partner."
* "I've become accustomed to my partner."
At times, you might even use philosophical statements:
* "We're born alone and die alone. Life is full of loneliness, so if we can avoid it by being with someone, even if it isn't the right person, why shouldn't we?"
* "Life has no meaning anyway, so what does it matter who we're with?"
* "Life is short. We can't keep looking for the best all the time. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Don't deceive yourself!
These excuses, reasons, rationalizations and philosophical "words-of-wisdom" often border on self-deception, since it's more convenient to believe in your own justifications rather than leave an unsatisfying relationship. When those close to you call your attention to it, you are likely to get angry at them, not realizing that your anger is an indication that deep down you "know" you deceive yourself. Yet, the Fear of Being Alone exerts so much power over you that you just don't take the necessary steps to change.

Understand what drives your fears - and make a change
When you take the time to be alone, observe and get to know yourself, you can understand the needs, deprivations and messages which drive your Fear of Being Alone and impel you to not make any change in your current situation. With this understanding you can develop the personal power that enables you to combat the Fear of Change, seek and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 130 articles on the subject and of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship (Chapters 11, 12, 13 discuss fears and how to overcome them): http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com/

View the original article here

Read More...

Time And Relationships: Sexiness Can Survive

People in relationships spend so much time worrying about how to keep love alive. While it is human nature, it is debilitating to the relationship.If we could learn to flow with love, we would be better off. If we could simply learn our partner and their ways, then what we have to do to keep them intrigued would be all the easier.
I stress this often, friendship is imperative in any relationship. When you are friends, there is greater knowledge of one another, greater understanding of each others ways, and, more tolerance of things which we do not care for. Without friendship, the relationship is simply a bunch of feelings, which have nothing or little to root to. Friendship is that root which allows love to blossom and grow beyond time expectancy.
Ask any couple who has been together for a long period of time and they will tell you that they are best friends. Being friends with the one you love is building a foundation which will not shift with life.
When we have friendship in our love relationships, it is easier to flow with time. We have each other for support, encouragement, compassion, and many other factors which increase the love itself...
Without friendship, we have passion, which is not a bad thing, but, if that is ALL there is, it often dies, as it has nothing to feed it, and, while sex and physical love are needed in making a relationship, it surely is not a strong enough foundation to build on. Some who were initially attracted by physical desire have survived, but, that is because they ultimately became friends in the process.
Relationships are tough, especially in the hands of time. People over analyze the effects of time. Instead, they could be spending that time finding ways to keep romance and attraction alive and well. It need not be viewed as a chore, rather as a nurturing, especially if they are in it for the long haul.
Let's say a man and a woman have been married/together for 20 years. They have gone through a lot together. Their minds have changed many times in these years, their spirits have changed, and, their bodies have changed.
Many people who are aging decide that they are not sexy anymore. Please! Sexy is not just about body, it is an attitude and using that attitude! It is about confidence from within which will shine without! It is something which cannot be touched, but, which makes your partner want to touch you!
Being sexy does not have to involve showing the body. It is better to showcase the body in certain ways; this is another usefulness for lingerie. Lingerie and showcasing should be synonymous. We do not have to show lots of skin in order to look sexy.
When a person is confident and secure in their womanhood/manhood, there is a natural sexiness which is present. Add to that some allure, such as a lovely satin robe with a seductive gown beneath, hair and face in place, some accessories, and the right timing; well, no matter what age, she is going to be hot to her mate. It doesn't matter if she is hot to you or me, all that matters is that she is hot to her man, and, he to her.
We cannot limit ourselves when it comes to appeal to our mate. We also, cannot limit our mind to believing that others would laugh at us, are they gonna be there? That is silly, that is lack of confidence, and, it is wasting precious time.
Embrace your attributes and use them wisely. If you don't look good in something, find something which will look good on you. If you find that certain something which creates fire, then use it every so often, this will keep that relationship ever grounded, and, it will have both of you smiling, which will have everyone wondering why you are so happy after all of this time...

View the original article here

Read More...

Professional Photos For Dating Profiles

So you want to start a dating profile but you're not sure if it's a good idea to use those old photos of yours (back when you still did not have those crows feet around your eyes!). Or perhaps you already have an existing profile in one of those dating websites but you're not sure whether or not the photos that you have there are working their magic (have there been just a few "online winks" from potential partners?)So now you're considering having professional dating headshots taken because, quite naturally, you want to attract as many possible potential life partners. Still, you might have reservations. Are professionally taken photos for dating profiles really a good idea? Should one really have professionally taken dating headshots? Must one even consider photography for dating profiles? How can taking professional photos for dating profiles help?
Well, first of all, and more importantly, nothing beats letting the pros take your photos - be they for regular family albums or for dating profiles. Professional photographers have the "eye" for all things beautiful and that includes portrait photos that practically jump out from all the rest and grab more attention. Professional photographers can take dating headshots that show your best features and capture certain angles that you yourself may not even have thought possible. In other words, professional photos can be way more effective in the dating scene than "homemade" ones just taken by a friend with hardly any knowledge in framing.
But exactly what are the other pros on why photography for dating profiles should be considered? Why is taking professional photos for your dating profiles a good idea?
For one, the professional photographer can suggest the best pose or best angle for you. After all, professional photographers have encountered a lot of faces and they know what will work and what will not. More often than not, professional photographers are already knowledgeable when it comes to shapes of faces, tilts, angles and shadows. They will guide you and will give you their best recommendations in terms of pose and angle. Take for instance one of the dreaded horrors when it comes to dating headshots - the double chin!
Professional photographers can advise you of the proper eye level in order to avoid the dreaded double chin. The photographer can also help tilt your face in such a way that not only is it in the proper or right frame, it also highlights your best angle and nice facial features.
Second, (and this is another dreaded horror when it comes to photos for dating profiles) the "red eye." Unlike point and shoot cameras that have the tendency of producing photos of people with "red eyes," professional photographers, with the aid of their professional photography equipment such as lighting and DSLR cameras, have a way of avoiding this. Now think of the possible scenario if in case you uploaded a photo of you with that dreaded "red eye" to a certain dating website. Yes, you might still receive messages from potential suitors...messages containing pieces of advice on how to treat red eyes!
Third, professional photographers can advise you of the proper clothes to wear, the setting or environment or even the proper hair and make-up styles. There are professional photographers who also double as stylists and they can give you pieces of advice with regard to your total look. Or your photographer can refer you to a professional make-up artist and/or hairstylist who can do the job. At this point, however, you might be thinking: but how do I know if the photographer is the best choice to take these dating headshots? How can I be sure that the photos that he or she will take will really stand out from the rest and really grab attention?
Here's one important tip to always remember - a professional photographer will do everything in his or her power to make you feel comfortable - because at the end of the day, if you're happy and you feel comfortable, then you will not hesitate to smile...and when those winning smiles come out, only then can you truly have the best dating headshots.
(c) Headshot London Photography Professional Portrait Photographers. For more examples of our work please see our Portrait Portfolio.

View the original article here

Read More...

Separation and Merger in Relationships

When I was a young man and everyone my age was dating and forming new relationships, it used to bother me when my friends got involved with someone and suddenly became completely unavailable. They'd spend every spare minute with their new flame. You know the type of couple I'm talking about -- the ones who seem joined at the hip. A certain amount of preoccupation with a new romance is natural, but when two people can't bear to be separated and abandon older friendships, they've merged identities. On some level, they are no longer two distinct people. Only when you're really separate do you feel need, longing, desire, jealousy, etc.Maybe one of them will adopt the interests and opinions of the other person and adapt his or her personality to fit. Some people believe this is the only way they can be loved, that it's not possible to be authentic. It can also be a way to merge with the loved one, to fuse identities so there will be no experience of separation.
One of my patients, a young gay man, used to change his speech patterns, political viewpoints and style of dress whenever he became involved with someone new. He was a true chameleon, with very little sense of his own identity, and merged with each new partner. At the same time, he made sure never to appear demanding, instead showing himself completely amenable to whatever the other man wanted. At heart, he feared that to expose the needy self he despised would mean rejection.
Consumed by self-hatred, he despised his own needs and felt sure that, if they were revealed, his partner would hate them, too.
This young man stands at the extreme end of a spectrum: each of us can bear differing degrees of separation. At the other extreme are people who can tolerate that experience no better but instead avoid relationships altogether. Fusion at one end, isolation at the other. Where are you on the spectrum? Here are some ways to confront these issues in your relationship.
Make a plan to do something on your own (discuss this with your partner first; don't simply announce it as a done deal). Try to choose an activity you'd actually like to do but that might be out of character, something that challenges the rules of your relationship.
How do you feel about taking this step? Anxious? Excited? How about your partner? Do you receive encouragement or resentment? Is he or she afraid that you might meet someone new? It would be even more helpful if your partner also stepped out of character and tried something new, so you could confront your own anxieties about separation.
Or maybe you already have your own separate spheres -- interests or relationships outside the couple that don't include the other person. Do these areas stir up conflict? Any underlying jealousy or resentment? If these turn out to be areas of conflict, it could be a result of inconsideration or inequity in your relationship, but it might also touch upon issues of needs and separation.
Joseph Burgo PhD is a clinical psychologist with 30+ years experience in the mental health profession. He writes two blogs, one called 'After Psychotherapy' where he discusses psychotherapy issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder from a psycho-dynamic perspective; on the other blog, 'Movies and Mental Health' hosted by PsychCentral, he uses classic and contemporary films to illustrate his ideas. His forthcoming book on psychological defense mechanisms will be released by New Harbinger Publications in Spring 2013. He also offers online counseling.

View the original article here

Read More...