Who Picks Up the Bill? How Gender Role Expectations Ruin Relationships

Every single one of us are raised with different expectations of how we are meant to behave according to our gender. Culture plays a huge role, as does the expectations of the society around us: friends, family, television, etc.There are multiple problems that differences in gender role expectations cause. From the very first interaction, gender roles play a part. Who initiates contact? Who asks who out?
Even after the first, second, and third waves of feminism, it's not uncommon to hear questions such as "Is it okay for me to ask him out?" or comments such as "She came on way too strong." There are still supposed "rules" for how a woman should behave during the courting ritual and how a man should go about pursuing her.
A man recently told me that because he is a staunch feminist, he would never open a car door for a woman and he would expect any woman who experienced such an insult to experience a fit of righteous indignation. Yet, some women expect men to open car doors. For a woman who had come to regard men opening doors for women as a sign of courteous consideration, the man's insistence on never opening her door could lead to misunderstandings and eventual arguments.
Gender role expectations play a part throughout the relationship. Even on the first date, who picks up the check? And more importantly, who keeps picking up the check?
On our 5th or so date, one of my exes shared with me that one of things he really liked about our first date was that I had reached for my wallet when the bill came. He ended up picking up the bill, which he said he usually did unless the girl didn't even offer to pay. Ah, and the slippery slope of gender role expectations continues.
The thing is society, culture, family, etc. all express opinions and assumptions about what men should do and what women should do. Both men and women internalize these gender roles and consciously, sometimes unconsciously, act them out. And these actions are often what we use to gauge whether someone is "feminine" enough or "masculine" enough. So the simplest action (such as who picks up the tab) is endowed with meaning.
As a relationship progresses, gender role expectations will become even more of an issue. Who stays home with the kids? So it's always advisable to understand what your partner's role expectations are before diving into a relationship.
Qua International is a boutique introductions agency specializing in personalized matchmaking for our busy, young professional clientele. Although we cater primarily to bi-cultured Asians, we strive to help all of our members find the perfect match.
You can learn more about us at http://www.quainternational.com/.

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Relationships: What Roles Are We Playing In Our Relationships?

What I am referring to by the term 'roles' is the way one behaves in the relationships in their life. So with the description out of the way, the first question is; what causes one to behave as they do in relationships when their behaviour is dysfunctional and disempowering and doesn't lead to fulfilling relationships? This is something I am going to do my best to answer.Present Day Behaviour
During those moments where ones behaviour is dysfunctional or disempowering, often the following can occur; something is said or something is done and before we know it our behaviour is completely out of control. With it seeming to happen so fast that we can often believe we have no control over our behaviour.
Although this might not just be a one of occurrence, it is usually a set of behaviours that appear throughout a relationship. There could also be behaviours that are constantly triggered around men, women or authority figures for example.
And once these behaviours are triggered it can be difficult to regain ones composure. It might cause one to feel that there is nothing they can do and this is who they are - an effect of the environment as opposed to a cause.
What Is Happening?
In all of these moments something is being triggered in the mind and what is being brought to the surface is usually the result of a memory or an accumulation of memories from ones childhood or an earlier point in life.
These triggers are often so subtle and out of conscious awareness that they can just seem to happen. This then naturally leads to feelings of powerlessness and of being a victim of circumstance.
Regression
As these memories are usually being triggered from ones childhood or from earlier relationships it can feel as though one is regressing. That their usual sense of self and their behaviour is no longer in existence.
Why Do They Still Exist?
It is quite clear that these old ways of behaving are counterproductive to ones wellbeing and empowerment, so why do they still exist? They exist because they are still associated with what is safe to the ego mind.
During ones childhood and younger years these were the behaviours that were utilised to ensure ones survival. To go against them at that time of one's life would be perceived as leading to rejection and abandonment.
Stimulus And Response
So looking at a scenario again, it now makes a lot more sense. All that is required is a trigger of some kind and our behaviour will then, as a consequence, regress to how it was at an earlier stage of our life. With this earlier stage usually being ones childhood.
This is one of the reasons that the behaviour is counterproductive, as it might have worked all those years ago to keep one safe, but when it comes to the present day the behaviour is outdated and disempowering.
Projecting Roles
These roles are not only limited to the roles that we play ourselves; there is also the other side of the coin. This is when we interpret others and see their behaviour in a way that reflects the roles of our caregivers or the people in our past. And by doing this, our ability to be conscious and to see others in a more balanced or conscious point of view is lost.
Example
Perhaps when one was younger they had an authoritative mother or father. It might then play out in two ways; the first would be that whenever they come across an authority figure they will tend to become submissive and fearful. The other likely approach would be behaviour that is aggressive and hostile.
Another example is the women who had an overbearing or controlling father. And when she is in an intimate relationship she has a tendency to regresses back to her earlier behaviour and the role she had around her father. This of course has no benefit and only causes her to feel overwhelmed and powerless.
In both of these examples, ones unprocessed past is being projected and manifested into the present moment and is then reappearing in the form of 'roles'.
That's The Way It Is
As I have mentioned above in regards to the nature of these roles; we can act in a certain manner and perceive others in specific ways, without ever noticing that these roles are being carried out and because of this unawareness we can go through life without ever questioning these roles.
Where Did These Roles Originate From?
These roles that we see in others and the roles that we embody are in many ways a consequence of our original role models. And our original reference point for role models is typically our parents/caregivers.
These were seen as god like figures and as people who were completely different to us. And in terms of their physical size and perhaps mental growth they were different to us. But inherently they came from the same place as us and are no different to us. They are still human beings who have needs and imperfections like us.
Parental Figures
The role of a mother and father is generally something that the majority of people can relate to and understand as an example. This could be because they are one of these roles or because they have had one or both of these in their life.
They are roles that are familiar and easy to understand. However, there are often emotions of anger and frustration and feelings of being let down and betrayed when one go's over their experiences with their parents or in comparing thir parents with other people's parents.
Development
However, as we grow older and develop ourselves, we have the chance to see our parents/caregivers more for who they are as opposed to the god like figures we thought they were. And that maybe they were the best people for our own growth to occur. Something that will be easier to grasp if one believes or knows that life has meaning and harder to believe in, if one sees life as random and meaningless.
They likely had needs that were not met and their own pain, all of which were likely to been have projected onto us and affected our upbringing and development.
Freedom From Roles
There might always be job titles and roles that are apart of those in our society, however the psychological roles that we play and perceive in others are not static. The types of roles that we play and the roles we interpret other people to play can always change.
With dancing there is a constant motion and movement, and just like how a dance will stop when there is resistance; so will the flow of life when our mind becomes fixed and resistant.
Awareness is required for this flow to happen and for the dissolving of roles to occur. And first and foremost awareness of ourselves and out of that allows for the awareness of others.
My name is Oliver Cooper, I been have been actively interested in self enquiry and self healing for over eight years. For just over a year I have been expressing my understandings with these transformational writings. One of my aims is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been to me.
Feel free to join the Facebook Group - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Of-Resonance-Transformational-Writing/134282036672239?sk=wall

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Time And Relationships: Sexiness Can Survive

People in relationships spend so much time worrying about how to keep love alive. While it is human nature, it is debilitating to the relationship.If we could learn to flow with love, we would be better off. If we could simply learn our partner and their ways, then what we have to do to keep them intrigued would be all the easier.
I stress this often, friendship is imperative in any relationship. When you are friends, there is greater knowledge of one another, greater understanding of each others ways, and, more tolerance of things which we do not care for. Without friendship, the relationship is simply a bunch of feelings, which have nothing or little to root to. Friendship is that root which allows love to blossom and grow beyond time expectancy.
Ask any couple who has been together for a long period of time and they will tell you that they are best friends. Being friends with the one you love is building a foundation which will not shift with life.
When we have friendship in our love relationships, it is easier to flow with time. We have each other for support, encouragement, compassion, and many other factors which increase the love itself...
Without friendship, we have passion, which is not a bad thing, but, if that is ALL there is, it often dies, as it has nothing to feed it, and, while sex and physical love are needed in making a relationship, it surely is not a strong enough foundation to build on. Some who were initially attracted by physical desire have survived, but, that is because they ultimately became friends in the process.
Relationships are tough, especially in the hands of time. People over analyze the effects of time. Instead, they could be spending that time finding ways to keep romance and attraction alive and well. It need not be viewed as a chore, rather as a nurturing, especially if they are in it for the long haul.
Let's say a man and a woman have been married/together for 20 years. They have gone through a lot together. Their minds have changed many times in these years, their spirits have changed, and, their bodies have changed.
Many people who are aging decide that they are not sexy anymore. Please! Sexy is not just about body, it is an attitude and using that attitude! It is about confidence from within which will shine without! It is something which cannot be touched, but, which makes your partner want to touch you!
Being sexy does not have to involve showing the body. It is better to showcase the body in certain ways; this is another usefulness for lingerie. Lingerie and showcasing should be synonymous. We do not have to show lots of skin in order to look sexy.
When a person is confident and secure in their womanhood/manhood, there is a natural sexiness which is present. Add to that some allure, such as a lovely satin robe with a seductive gown beneath, hair and face in place, some accessories, and the right timing; well, no matter what age, she is going to be hot to her mate. It doesn't matter if she is hot to you or me, all that matters is that she is hot to her man, and, he to her.
We cannot limit ourselves when it comes to appeal to our mate. We also, cannot limit our mind to believing that others would laugh at us, are they gonna be there? That is silly, that is lack of confidence, and, it is wasting precious time.
Embrace your attributes and use them wisely. If you don't look good in something, find something which will look good on you. If you find that certain something which creates fire, then use it every so often, this will keep that relationship ever grounded, and, it will have both of you smiling, which will have everyone wondering why you are so happy after all of this time...

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Separation and Merger in Relationships

When I was a young man and everyone my age was dating and forming new relationships, it used to bother me when my friends got involved with someone and suddenly became completely unavailable. They'd spend every spare minute with their new flame. You know the type of couple I'm talking about -- the ones who seem joined at the hip. A certain amount of preoccupation with a new romance is natural, but when two people can't bear to be separated and abandon older friendships, they've merged identities. On some level, they are no longer two distinct people. Only when you're really separate do you feel need, longing, desire, jealousy, etc.Maybe one of them will adopt the interests and opinions of the other person and adapt his or her personality to fit. Some people believe this is the only way they can be loved, that it's not possible to be authentic. It can also be a way to merge with the loved one, to fuse identities so there will be no experience of separation.
One of my patients, a young gay man, used to change his speech patterns, political viewpoints and style of dress whenever he became involved with someone new. He was a true chameleon, with very little sense of his own identity, and merged with each new partner. At the same time, he made sure never to appear demanding, instead showing himself completely amenable to whatever the other man wanted. At heart, he feared that to expose the needy self he despised would mean rejection.
Consumed by self-hatred, he despised his own needs and felt sure that, if they were revealed, his partner would hate them, too.
This young man stands at the extreme end of a spectrum: each of us can bear differing degrees of separation. At the other extreme are people who can tolerate that experience no better but instead avoid relationships altogether. Fusion at one end, isolation at the other. Where are you on the spectrum? Here are some ways to confront these issues in your relationship.
Make a plan to do something on your own (discuss this with your partner first; don't simply announce it as a done deal). Try to choose an activity you'd actually like to do but that might be out of character, something that challenges the rules of your relationship.
How do you feel about taking this step? Anxious? Excited? How about your partner? Do you receive encouragement or resentment? Is he or she afraid that you might meet someone new? It would be even more helpful if your partner also stepped out of character and tried something new, so you could confront your own anxieties about separation.
Or maybe you already have your own separate spheres -- interests or relationships outside the couple that don't include the other person. Do these areas stir up conflict? Any underlying jealousy or resentment? If these turn out to be areas of conflict, it could be a result of inconsideration or inequity in your relationship, but it might also touch upon issues of needs and separation.
Joseph Burgo PhD is a clinical psychologist with 30+ years experience in the mental health profession. He writes two blogs, one called 'After Psychotherapy' where he discusses psychotherapy issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder from a psycho-dynamic perspective; on the other blog, 'Movies and Mental Health' hosted by PsychCentral, he uses classic and contemporary films to illustrate his ideas. His forthcoming book on psychological defense mechanisms will be released by New Harbinger Publications in Spring 2013. He also offers online counseling.

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Relationships - Winning By All Means

Relationships are a quirky set of mind games played by some of the most super of athletes, a husband and a wife.Gridiron gold, the summer/winter games across the pond or just round ball tournament play. It takes a certain amount of skill and finesse to make the team work like a winning team.
Everyone knows that there is only one captain, one team owner, one coach. Not so in a successful marriage. Getting top billing in this relationship is almost as thrilling as the game itself in married life.
True, relationships are geared towards the combined efforts of a joint team, but you know as well as I do, that dogs don't hunt!
It's not about getting the upper hand, or even being first. It is total all in all warfare when it comes to relationships involving men and women for superior rights of one-up-ness. This is empowerment at it's best.
Men have their ideas about relationships and of course women have the ideal answer as to what those ideas should be and who owns the rights to them. Now we all shoot for the same goal on this team...to score the big points in the game of everyday life.
It's bad enough one would tend to describe any relationships in sports terms or metaphors. Take bowling or baseball for example...men and women's relationships are in a league of their own.
Did I come up with that just because both the games have strikes? Well, you have to admit it would work because these are the opposites that attract.
Relationships in bowling are that strikes are good for points...in baseball not so good...well that would depend on if you're giving strikes or getting strikes. Oh wow, another decision make that will no doubt cause splits!
We're a of a generation that teaches the younger kids these days that points don't matter and that all sports are team events and being on the team is the winning venture.
Kind of ruins the relationship of having something greater to strive for, but that's just my opinion...and we all know about opinions.
Maybe I should run for office or something.
Anyways, relationships are built, forged and maintained in successful marriages on love, trust and security as well as playing nice together. Sharing the many responsibilities as head of whichever department has it' advantages. Like, making the money to sustain the household and making the decisions as to what that money covers in terms of food, shelter and clothing. A win-win for all concerned when it works in harmony.
Because it's a very different game in each household, the pairings that pit husband and wife sometimes against each other makes for some very interesting sports trivia.
Remember when he called an audible and said he was going out with the boys and if she didn't like it she could just lump it?
Well she did...and as I understand it according to the doctors, the swelling should be down enough tomorrow for him to be able to see out of at least one of his eyes.
Relationships are a joy to behold. Men and women contribute so very much to one another. It's the essence of married life, successful marriages, relief of stress and finances and then finding what will ultimately turn out to be your best friend.
And isn't that what you want out of life, a player on your team that can bring you home on a sacrifice fly...or make a pass right down the middle for a touchdown...volley for your affections in an endless match...or one that tees off and lands on the green without teeing you off.
Of course there's always the concession stand.
In all good and lasting relationships, take the time to get a hot dog and just enjoy the game.
Concessions are always good.
A Friend in Business...and Life...Always,
-Lon-

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The Trap of Mediocre Relationships

We've all heard of the frog in the pot phenomenon. How a frog will leap out of hot water, but if placed in a lukewarm pot of water set on high flames, the frog will allow itself to be boiled to death. It's a gradual death, the most brutal of its kind, where you're lulled into a dull complacency that keeps you from noticing that you're slowly, but surely, ceasing to live.This is the essence of every mediocre relationship. Humans are incredibly adaptable creatures and if placed in a less-than-desirable situation long enough, we become used to it. We learn to justify it to ourselves and fall into the trap of thinking that maybe this is normal. In fact, it was meant to be this way. No relationship is perfect, right?
There's no end to the justifications we'll create for ourselves in order to avoid leaving something that has become our norm. It's often worse if there are societal pressures. Expectations from parents to settle down or a circle of friends who have all acquired significant others can convince even the most rational person to opt for the safe guarantee over the uncertainty of the dating scene. Why waste your time when you already have someone who at the very least is willing to stick around?
Yet, sustaining a mediocre relationship is just as, if not more, tiresome than going through the dating dance again. Feigning affection and interest for a partner who doesn't thrill you is draining, not to mention the mental energy expended on what if contemplations and re-convincing yourself why it's smart to stay.
And unlike the dating scene, a mediocre relationship has no hope of a fulfilling relationship at the end. At least dating, with all its disappointments and ambiguities, still contains the potential of meeting someone you would be giddy to wake up next to. With a "settling" relationship, you work just as hard just to keep it afloat when it's more than likely that it's never going to come with the reward of fulfillment.
Not to mention that staying with someone who makes you think that you're settling is unfair, both for you and the person you're staying with. Not only are you depriving yourself of the chance to meet someone who is really amazing for you, by choosing to stay with someone you don't value, you're depriving your partner the opportunity of meeting someone who would adore them.
But the best reason to extract yourself from a mediocre relationships is that they don't last. If you're missing a critical factor in the relationship - at some point, there will be irreparable ruptures in the relationship. And really, wouldn't you rather invest that time and energy into building something with someone you can't get enough of?
Qua International is a boutique introductions agency specializing in personalized matchmaking for our busy, young professional clientele. Although we cater primarily to bi-cultured Asians, we strive to help all of our members find the perfect match. You can learn more about us at http://www.quainternational.com/.

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The Importance of Understanding Reciprocal Relationships

Understanding Reciprocal Relationships is an important consideration in any attempt to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship. Most people in relationships come by this understanding either by happenstance or through lifelong experience. Some never do, and end up with their relationship irreparably damaged or broken. "Reciprocal" is roughly defined as "given or felt by each toward the other; mutual". The World English Dictionary defines it as "indicating that action is given and received by each subject".In order for a relationship to be reciprocal, focus must pertain to both partners. If the relationship is beneficial or advantageous primarily for one side, an automatic imbalance of power and interest surfaces. The one side gets to reap the benefits to the detriment of the other, and such a relationship cannot survive long. Oftentimes, the benefits to the recipient in a relationship is immediately obvious; but sometimes the benefit is one obtained from the act of giving(or serving), which itself has latent benefits that the giver alone derives. Furthermore, there are relationships, where one typically only receives rather than gives; and while this may seem at a glance to be beneficial to the recipient, it may be in effect detrimental, as the recipient generally does so as a passive recipient, an empty vessel, a mere beneficiary of some unspecified charitable act, stripped of his own power or will to choose or act for himself.
In a more balanced relationship, individuals offer a service to one another and both individuals experience learning - thereby benefiting both relatively equally, and engaging relatively equally. This conceptualization blurs the lines between serving and learning from having served, and receiving and learning from having received. It suggests that there are ultimate psychological and emotional benefits to giving (or serving) as well as to receiving.
To achieve these more balanced ends, both partners must collaborate in the processes of designing, implementing, and assessing the relationship experience. They must have comparably equivalent levels of power in order to embed their needs in the development of the relationship, protect their needs when it is enacted, and evaluate how their needs are met throughout the duration of the relationship. Therefore, in order to determine the reciprocal nature of a relationship, then, one must consider not only the focus of the relationship as well as who benefits, but also the relative power of both participants in setting that focus and designating who benefits.
In her study of reciprocal relationship for service-learning, Jerusha O. Conner, an assistant professor of education at Villanova University in Pennsylvania, proposes a third overarching dimension that I apply in romantic relationships called "agency," which includes this design element, but also the implementation, as well as the process of assessing how the design's intentions were carried out. The agency dimension captures the relative power of each partner to frame needs and set parameters; to act; and finally to reflect and evaluate. When the balance of power across these three domains is equitable, reciprocity becomes more likely.
Using her conceptual model of Agency, there are three 'powers' or 'domains' that must exist in the relationship between the parties:
1. Power to Design - both parties collaborate in designing and framing the terms, the intentions (goals), the needs requirements and criteria for satisfaction, and the parameters and structures;
2. Power to Act - both parties assume the roles of server and recipient and thereby each deriving the benefits of both roles.
3. Power to Evaluate - both partners reflect on and assess the experience and the relationship as a whole. Both get to learn about each other and about the influence of each other's giving by evaluating each other's satisfaction.
It is critical to underscore the point that in a reciprocal relationship, one partner provides as valuable a service to the other partner, as the other partner provided in return. In the first aspect - the designing of a relationship, it is critical to note that there must be relative equity in the balance of power and status in the relationship between the partners, highlighting each individual's assets and strengths, while simultaneously addressing their needs. Each partner has something to derive from the other; and each has something they can contribute to the other. Each lacks some benefit that the other can provide. The design of the relationship should therefore have a structure that supports, promotes and enhances the development of a more reciprocal, balanced relationship between the partners.
In the second aspect - that of performing both roles of giver and recipient - both are able to learn from, and about, the other. As both giver and receiver derive altogether different benefits from the role, it becomes necessary for each to enter the role directly and experience it firsthand in order to benefit (or learn) from the exchange. This helps deepen their understanding, and hence appreciate, the connection to, and respect for the other partner. More importantly they derive the manifest and latent benefits of performing both roles. Furthermore, doing so brings experiences that allow each one to question their own biases, expectations and assumptions, and allows each partner to recognize the other's strengths and gifts as being of equal value to their own. When that happens, an important channel for reciprocity opens.
Lastly, it is important to have the equal ability, willingness and opportunity to reflect on, and evaluate the relationship. Both must assume the responsibility to ask reflective open-ended questions like 'What is the most important benefit you got and how?' 'How do you think your partner benefited?' 'What did you feel you contributed?' 'What do you like best, or least?' and 'How can things be improved?' among other things. It is important to be able to describe their relationship with the partner, the benefits, drawbacks, and challenges of being together, and suggestions for improvement by both.
Therefore, to establish a reciprocal nature in a relationship, it is necessary for both partners to enjoy relative equity in levels or power, both partners must collaborate in the formulation and design of the relationship, put themselves in both roles of giver and receiver in the partnership, and work together willingly in assessing and evaluating the relationship as many times as needed to improve or correct it.
Of course, in real life, it is difficult to meet the requirements of an ideal reciprocal relationship. Limitations can and do exist in forging relationships of mutual dependency and mutual benefit between partners, as individuals and expectations differ, abilities, willingness, and levels of maturity rarely coincide, and relative levels of power can only be gauged imperfectly. Most times, the relationships that do succeed happen to do so unplanned, and survive on the good intentions, love and mutual respect between the partners. In those cases, the requirements for a reciprocal relationship fortuitously end up falling into place. A deliberate attempt at understanding Reciprocal Relationships would be difficult, but presents a higher likelihood to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship.
About the Author:
Copyright © Ren Rejante
Ren Rejante is the webmaster at How to Improve A Relationship.com where he discusses various topics on relationships. Visit today at http://howtoimprovearelationship.com/

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Relationships: The Healing Power Of Relationships

Whether it is relationships with friends, acquaintances or spousal for example; they all have the potential for healing and consequently growth to occur.Opportunities are presented for one to integrate and process those parts that lay dormant; that are waiting to be realised. We are also given the chance to heal or let go of those parts that are negative or dysfunctional.
Happiness, Suffering And Pain
This also means that relationships have the power to create not only incredible happiness; but also unbelievable amounts of suffering and pain.
Relationships
The reason relationships have the potential for both happiness and pain is because they are triggering and reminding us of our past. A past that likely had numerous traumatic encounters, needs that were ignored and neglected and moments of rejection and abandonment.
This is something that is unavoidable; our caregivers were only human after all. However the degree to which these things happened, the intensity and how they were interpreted during ones younger years is what will define present day challenges.
Repression And Dissociation
These childhood experiences that were stressful and overwhelming had to be dealt with somehow to ensure survival. With the brains ability to question not being developed at this stage; the ego mind had to protect and deal with them, with repression and dissociation often being the defences of choice.
Self Blame
During the years when we are completely dependent on our caregivers, we idealise them and make them into god like figures. To see them in any other way would create high levels of stress and uncertainty around ones survival. This causes the child to blame themselves for any inadequacy the parent might have or wrongdoing that has been carried out.
This could be called a defence mechanism, as it helps to ensure survival. However, if it's not looked at or questioned later on in life, there can be the tendency to carry on blaming oneself for everything that happens; taking on an inordinate amount of responsibility.
Pain
Through repression and dissociation and after many years have passed, these old traumatic experiences will start to re-emerge. These will likely appear externally as the same or similar behaviours, environments and relationships and internally as the same feelings, thoughts and sensations that were experienced during those years.
Happiness
When we experience happiness in a relationship we are potentially reliving those lost moments of our childhood or being treated in ways that are the complete opposite of how we were treated during our childhood.
People We Despise
Part of what creates pain in relationships is behaviours that create tension, frustration and anger. These can cause one to despise the other person or people. What one comes to despise in another is often what they have come to identify with themselves and repressed; it is then completely out of their awareness,
However it is often a behaviour that is experienced a lot and something that causes a strong reaction. Perhaps this was a behaviour that they were exposed to during their younger years on numerous occasions. And through the self blame, have come to identify with the behaviour; making it personal, which then continues to draw in experiences that mirror the past.
People We Admire
What makes up the feeling of happiness in relationships is often admiration towards the people in our life. This is often experienced when we have projected those parts, yet to be realised, onto another. These are parts that exist within us, traits and abilities that have been neglected and denied. These aspects are waiting to be embraced and acknowledged.
Perhaps it wasn't safe for us to express them during those years. It might have also been the result of criticism from our caregivers, leading us to believe we don't have what it takes to be those things our self.
On the larger scale admiration can also become a form worship and obsession. Something that is common in today's culture with celebrities, musicians and sports stars.
How Long Will It Last?
When it comes to the early stages of the happiness, admiration and even idealisation that is experienced in a relationship; it's only a matter of time before cracks will start to appear and a more balanced perspective is revealed. As to how long this will be, depends upon many different factors.
How the relationship develops and how conscious and aware one is, will naturally influence how long it lasts for.
Seeing In Absolutes
The mind works in absolutes and likes to see everything in black or white; seeing someone as perfect is a normal consequence of the mind and an unmonitored mind will not suspect this.
Different processes will be utilized, to block out anything that goes against the minds tendency of only seeing in absolutes; which can help to keep the illusion of perfection alive. These can cause one to deny, dismiss and edit anything that goes against it.
It is said that chemicals are released in the brain during the early stages of an intimate relationship, of which the effects are the equivalent of being stoned.
Once Its Over
Once this stage or phase has come to pass and balance is restored, one will likely start to see behaviours and characteristics that create pain.
What has been repressed and pushed out of conscious awareness will appear once more, with the hope of being acknowledged; so that it can be processed and integration can be achieved.
The Healing Power Of Relationships
Whether it is through being around people who make us feel good or through people who have the opposite effect, they are both giving us valuable feedback.
The people who press our buttons or who we despise are showing what we are still holding onto. The memories and effects that they produce are still stuck in our mind and body. Patterns and situations are then created that reflect the past and situations are continually interpreted as if they were the same.
Conscious Relationships
This shows the importance and value of having relationships that allow one to be open and honest; where one can feel safe and supported. People who have this kind of relationship or who have experienced it will undoubtedly feel a deep sense of gratitude.
It might be the kind of relationship that is only possible with a therapist at first and through the work of processing and working on ones history; starts to spread into other relationships.
Being around people who can mirror and support us is extremely important. This assists in our healing process and in the realisation that it can be different. We can also internalize there ways or behaving and responding to us, thereby transforming our own self image and changing our inner models.
However, even in a conscious relationship there will be moments and occasions where reactive behaviours appear. We are only human after all and are not perfect. We all have defences that are in place to keep us safe. And they will stay there until our awareness and perception around them changes.
My name is Oliver Cooper, I been have been actively interested in self enquiry and self healing for over eight years. For just over a year I have been expressing my understandings with these transformational writings. One of my aims is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been to me.
Feel free to join the Facebook Group - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Of-Resonance-Transformational-Writing/134282036672239?sk=wall

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Past Impact on Current Relationships

Much of what we know about relationships came through childhood experiences. Those experiences taught us how to relate to people. We also learnt about relationships by what was modeled to us by our caregivers (parents). These personal experiences and modeling molded us. Our experiences and the modeling we were exposed to may have been positive or negative. As children, we saw how our parents interacted with each other and with other people including ourselves. These observations taught us what we believe to be the role of the father in the home, the role of the mother and so forth. Some people may have learnt what we believe to be the role of parents by what not to do (if our experiences were negative). When we interacted with our parents and when we observed them interacting with each other we stood before a choice: To adopt the modeling and make it part of who we are, or to reject it and adopt the opposite. Either way, it has shaped both who we are, and what we believe, with regards to relationships, finances, parenting, and many other topics.The modeling we received may thus be a blessing or, alternatively, may result in negative baggage we carry into current relationships. Many of the issues harming current relationships find their origin in the past. We often mistakenly think that our spouses are the problem. Most couples who come see me for relational difficulties walk into my office blaming each other. The truth is that we come to the relationship with pre-existing issues. It just so happens that his issues coincide with her issues. Yes, we may trigger each other's issues and we may cause pain, but that is because the wounds are there already. Normal pressure on a wound hurts. But it is not the pressure per se causing the hurt it is the pre-existing wound.
Our pasts leave us with some wounds and it also leaves us with tainted views or mindsets. These mindsets preprogram our thinking. It can even dupe us to project past experiences onto our spouses. We need to realize that our spouses are not identical to the people from our past. When we design hearts, we don't play the blame game. It does not do anybody any good to blame a spouse for what (issues and mindset) you believe he/she brought into the marriage. Rather, we need to look into our past to help us to really get to know who we are and to understand how we think and function. Examining our pasts provide a starting point from which we can begin to design new hearts.
• Think back about how the past shaped you;
• Look for past patterns and experiences which repeat themselves in current relationships;
• Learn to spot when current situations bring back past pain;
• Forgive the past and try to heal instead of carrying it with you into the future;
• Separate your spouse (in your thinking) from people who have hurt you in the past;
• Separate your negative feelings about your past from current experiences (as far as possible);
• Do not blame your spouse for what really comes from your past;
• Work on dealing with your past, not your spouse's.
We can, over time, learn to minimize the past's negative impact on current relationships. We can cherish and build on past positive experiences and continue them in the future. Let's dwell on the positive and heal the negative.
Pierre F. Steenberg, Ph.D., D.Min. is a relationship expert, a counselor, and a marriage seminar presenter. http://www.designinghearts.com/
To receive your free PDF on using Genograms to analyze your relationship please visit: http://www.designinghearts.com/.

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Why Some Relationships Work And Some Don't

One of the reasons that my practice of Hand Analysis and Life Purpose Decoding is so accurate is because it is based upon FACT. A well known FACT about hands that is applied by police departments all over the world is that fingerprints are unique to each person and they are used to identify criminals who were specifically involved in a crime.Why is it important to recognize that everyone has a unique set of fingerprints on their hands? Because in my practice of Hand Analysis, the finger prints are the key to each person's Life Purpose and each person has their own unique reason for being here. Also realize that because your fingerprints do not change, your Life Purpose does not change; your Life Purpose is with you from the day you are born until the day you die.
Because of the way your hands are formed, out of the same material as your brain during the second trimester of pregnancy, there is a lifelong connection between your brain and your hands. As your brain records the experiences you have had in your life - both good and bad - these experiences are recorded in the lines and shapes of your hands. The lines on your hands can and do change often because they in fact are reflecting the daily activity and life experiences that you are having.
These lines, combined with the shape of the hands and fingers explain how you interact with the world and others around you both consciously and subconsciously. I have some amazing examples of clients whose hand prints I have taken, then six months later I reprinted them as the clarity I was able to give them worked its magic through their consciousness and their lives, and their new prints are SO different.
Why am I telling you this and what has it got to do with relationships?
We all interact with other people on a daily basis, some people we interact with more than others. We have romantic relationships with some; we have parent child relationships with others. Some people we only see when we go to the store or the gas station. Because each of us is so different, interactions with every person around us will be unique and different.
The relationships that are really important to us are the ones I want to focus on here; the relationships in which we have an emotional investment, specifically our family and loved ones.
Is there someone in your life that you are supposed to love or respect and they just frustrate you? A parent or a child? A husband or a wife? A boyfriend or a girlfriend? (And they possibly feel the same way about you?).
How can this be resolved?
Here's what I have discovered..... With a Hand Analysis I am able to uncover the Life Purpose, Life Lesson and Soul Agenda for both people in a relationship. When these differences are explained and discussed and coached through with my assistance, it usually becomes clear to both clients why each is acting a certain way and brings amazing clarity to the relationship. I am constantly hearing things like: "Oh, now I understand why he is like that"; "Oh, now I understand why my Dad acts that way"; "No wonder you react that way when I say this or that, it's because your Life Purpose is so different from mine"; "Now I realize why my son and daughter are so different". The level of understanding, clarity and communication in these relationships can positively change so fast, just like a miracle. A free download "Super Secret Signs Hiding On Your Hands" is available at http://www.nadiatumas.com.

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Long Distance Relationships: Why They Can Work

Many people avoid getting involved with long distance relationships, solely because of the distance. They fail to understand that physical location is nothing but geography. In addition, they overlook the many good things that can stem from so much space being in between two people. Too busy focusing on all of the things that can go wrong...no one takes into consideration just how right it can turn out.Forced To Take It Slow
One thing that can be sure of, is that in a long distance relationship there is no chance of it being ruined by premature sexual contact. There are many instances where physical attraction causes people to take a step that they aren't ready to take. No matter what anyone says, intimacy changes things. When two people who are still getting to know the basic things about one another move too quickly in other areas of their relationship, their chances of working out drop drastically. There is an extreme amount of pressure added to a relationship when sex is added too soon.
Communication is Key
Anyone can talk. Communication is different. Truthfully, in an effort to keep things going, those in long distance relationship tend to have a line of communication that operates far better than those in close proximity. They are full aware that the only way for the relationship to move forward is for them to "spend time" with one another. Due to the distance, a date is impossible. It has to be through communication.
Communication is a vital part of any relationship. Yet, when people are constantly in the presence of one another, it may be hard to do. It may feel as though there is nothing left to say. People in long distance relationships also tend to communicate a little more freely. This sets the precedence for how communication will flow for the duration of the relationship.
Foundation of Friendship
No matter where either of the two people are located, physically; a friendship is formed. Of course, the friendship is different because there is an underlying emotional connection. Still, partners in long distance relationships usually become best friends. They become support systems, shoulders to cry on and the keepers of many secrets. This is the foundation that will support the relationship.
Preservation and Protection
Long distance relationships are indeed preserved and protected. Already assumed to be fragile, the two involved in the relationship tend to be over protective of it. They take extra care not to let the opinions of others impact it. They tend to shield it from rumors, scrutiny, unbelievers and people who aren't in support of it. Being kept sheltered only helps to make them last longer.
True, not everyone is cut out for a long distance relationship. There are some who need to be in the physical presence of their partner for one reason or another. These are a few reasons that people shouldn't count long distance relationships out. You never know what can come of it when the things that matter most are taken care of first. Distance may be what your love recipe needed.

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What Do You Want From Your Relationships?

We know that solid and meaningful relationships are critical to our happiness and success. The connectedness we experience with others provides comfort when we need it; intellectual stimulation when we want it; and reciprocity of love when we share it. It allows us to get our needs met and to meet the needs of others.Our interactions as social beings can also do much to nurture our psychological wellness. The quality and nature of the interactions we have with others can affect how much anger and stress we carry around with us, and it is commonly understood that the more quality relationships we have in our later years the less prone to depression we are likely to be.
We're all in this thing together and we need one another: humans are social animals. When we develop the relationships in our lives we become filled with abundance and prosperity. And the further we branch out of our small troupes to connect with others in meaningful way, the better off we all are.
But a wider circle of connectedness begins with strengthening the connections in our immediate environment. And even before that it starts with an understanding of our needs...
What exactly do you want from your relationships? What are your goals?
• Do you want to strengthen the existing connections in your home or work life? Or maybe just one or two in particular?
• Do you want to be more effective at getting along with others in general? Or just have more quality people in your life?
• Do you want to expand your social circle for personal and/or business reasons? Or do you just want to overcome your shyness?
And why do you want these things?
• To experience more enjoyment in your life?
• To shield yourself from feelings of loneliness?
• To foster greater levels of confidence?
The list could go on with any number of reasons, but I ask these questions to help you begin to get really clear about the 'whats' and 'whys'. The clearer you can be about your purposes, the stronger your intentions - and the more likely it is that change will happen.
So decide what it is you'd like to accomplish with your relationships, and why. And choose a specific target. Decide what the ideal outcome for this relationship (or set of relationships) would look like, and start to think about ways to make it happen!
Chris Hammer, Ph.D. is a certified professional coach and licensed psychologist. He offers leadership and life coaching services, as well as various self-development tools for people who are passionate about reaching higher levels of success and becoming the best they can be.
Get your free ebook on Great Communication at http://www.mycoachingbooks.com/

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