The Secrets Never Told

People's reactions are often opposite to what they're actually feeling. We know this by our experience, perhaps where we pretended to be pleased in a certain situation, but within we were quietly seething. This is obvious to some; less obvious to others.Some relationships we have feature inherent conflict - for no want of rhyme nor reason we know those we don't get along with, but we have little idea - in most realities - why. We cannot climb inside their brains or feel with their hearts, and few human beings we develop enough intimacy with to truly understand.
The saying that 'secrets are never told' may be self-evident, but it has more bearing on our relationships than we ordinarily account for.

APPRECIATING WHAT WE DON'T KNOW
What might appear absurd is, without doubt, our challenge. We need to somehow appreciate what we don't know, and will never know. Such an appreciation is the gift of an ever-opened mind.
Such an appreciation is also the constant cognitive clarification that ensures fewer assumptions are made, meaning less relational damage takes place.
Knowing that there are secrets about, that trust within certain relationships will be scant, helps us understand other people; it doesn't hinder our relationships, because we understand the barriers to communication are common to human experience and can be explained person-to-person.
Appreciating what we don't know is also appreciating we don't need to know everything; indeed, we are saved from much senseless knowledge and many vexing pieces of information which would make life so horribly complex.

TRYING OUR BEST TO EXPOSE OUR OWN SECRETS IN SAFETY
What may be the case in ordinary lives around us - the keeping of secrets by others regarding their real perceptions within our interactions - is no excuse for us, however.
It is a blessed situation for us to accept the fact that others carry their secrets, whilst ensuring we have trustworthy sounding boards to share our secrets with. This is an effective way of dealing with our problems and junk.
It is blessed because it features both acceptance for things we cannot change (regarding others) and courage to change the things we can (regarding ourselves). Only through doing both things, practicing acceptance and courage, can we grow in wisdom as far as our relationships are concerned.
***
Many secrets of life we cannot change, and we are blessed to accept they exist. Not assuming that the appearance of our relationships means much, we enter into relations with a healthy open mind. Others' secrets we can do nothing about, but accept it's a universal human practice to cherish personal privacy.
© 2011 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbetterlife.blogspot.com/

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Sometimes It's Not Ok

I don't know how you feel.I can only remember how I felt when it happened to me.
And it sucked.
I'm not going to tell you to feel better because it's not time for "better" -yet.
Because sometimes it's not OK.
Perhaps such a statement elicits a sigh of relief, a ping of anxiety, or maybe you're totally appalled.
Either way: Stay with it. Root yourself there.
Here's the thing...
Despite the universality of loss + pain, we know very little about recovery from it and, oddly, the acceptance of it. Navigating through soul-aching emotional remorse is a misunderstood process that most of us have very little idea how to respond to.
Correction.We do have a universal response to pain. And it sounds like this:
"Don't feel bad."
"You just need to keep busy."
"Time heals all wounds."
"Be strong."
"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."
Screw that. I'm here to tell you: Feel bad.
Seriously, no rush. Take a minute right where you are.
Truth: most of the condolences you hear after you've been struck by life are rational + intellectual but emotionally void. How often have you heard "don't feel bad,"when the relationship ended, the doctor had negative news, the lay off finally happened or the car broke down- again?
"Don't feel bad" is dismissive. It is unintentional but it diminishes your own, your lover's, friend's, family's appropriate, valid emotions.
Being infused with sadness is all about a broken heart, not a broken mind.
And you can't cure a broken heart with your head. It's simply the wrong tool.
This one you'll have to feel your way through.
Loss monumentally shifts everything in your life.
Enough so that you + others will want to apply "smarts" to push through those cataclysmic feelings in a jiffy.
BUT....
Over-intellectualizing your pain (or anyone else's for that matter) is a type of avoidance. The loss is too unnerving, too uncomfortable - so you bury it under a flurry of distractions + quick dismissals. Over time this unresolved pain is cumulativeand will resurface with the sole task of dismantling you.
Don't fall prey to the ol' adage "time heals all wounds."
It's what you do with that time that helps you heal. Repair.
Choose a new approach. Choose completion rather than avoidance.
Here's the doosy of 'em all. When you give yourself and others permission to be upset, you pave the path to steadfast "completion." You recognize you have the right to feel upset from time to time no matter how loved ones react.
You understand the pain of the loss/change will sting LESS in the long-run
when you embrace it's "ok-ness." in the short-run.
And if your particular loss this time around is the loss of a relationship?
Maybe the relationship was mostly rewarding.
Maybe you spent a portion of it mascara streaked + curled up in a ball crying.
Or perhaps it was problematic from the get-go.
Regardless, when it ends, you are left reaching out for someone who used to be there OR who has never been there + still isn't.
It can feel shitty.
Ahh-hem...
Sometimes it's not F #$@'ing OK. And that is OK!
So feel lousy + as you begin to recover, you can start sorting through what worked and what didn't in the relationship. But what if weeks go by, then months, and you still feel as if you're wandering around in a thick grey fog? Have you stumbled into the black hole of grief never to return?
Give it about six to nine months. It often takes that long after a serious relationship for you to pick up the pieces and start rebuilding your sense of self.
Whether it be a romantic relationship, family, friends, health, finances - there are very few vistas that grief will not infest. When it does:
Steal the courage to allow the pain to surface.
Be there with it.
Befriend it.
Then commit to letting it go.
© 2011 Danielle Dowling
Danielle Dowling is a relationship expert who helps women get the man and a bad-ass life. She is an intuitive strategist who works with progressive ladies who are ready to stop comprising on the things that matter most -- soulful companionship, meaningful sex,sisterhood (minus the snark) and above all, self-love. So if you're seeking: freedom+ fully-realized potential, legendary love +meaningful romance, razor sharp consciousness+ effortless communication pop by her blog for regular doses of awesome: http://danielle-dowling.com/life-coaching-articles.

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What Makes A Man An Abuser?

There's an old saying '... character is doing what's right when nobody else is looking.' In other words, someone with a healthy personality behaves well in public and in private. Many abusive men are good in social situations - acting as perfect partners in public. That's how they get women to fall in love with them. Their bullying side comes out when nobody else is looking.For a lot of women it's important to understand why some men want to hurt them. Mr. Wrong will act out in seven different ways, but the underlying cause is the same. There is clear evidence to show that it's all about his early upbringing - a chilling fact that all women should be aware of.
So what marks out an emotionally abusive man from a normal guy? A man who dishes out verbal, emotional and psychological violence can't be normal. Can he? A lot of people think he must be suffering from a personality disorder. Well, many of the abuse stories I've heard conjure up an image of a man who is quite normal on the surface. He'll hold down a job, go out with friends and pay the bills. He's often charming and popular. But when the door closes and it's just him and you - that's when he shows his dark side.
Many women report that living with an abusive man is like living with two separate people. The one she fell in love with and the one who calls her vile names, destroys her confidence and breaks down her character. And this leads a lot of people to assume that abusive men have narcissistic personality disorder or some other mental illness. Perhaps a few of them have. However, the explanation is usually simpler than that and more shocking.
There's plenty of evidence to show that the roots of his personality are twisted by bad male role models in early life.
An inadequate, unintelligent or vengeful father figure will teach his son that men are superior to women. This might be overt - if the father doesn't try to cover up his dislike of women. It's common knowledge that if a son is brought up in an atmosphere of domestic violence, he's more likely to be violent in his own relationships. Or it might be more subtle - teaching the young boy to discount women in general and think of himself and his life as more important.
There are seven main characteristic personality types when it comes to abusive men:
An entitled, hedonistic man is like a spoiled childA superior man wants a sidekick who never disagrees with himA competitive man likes to break you down piece by pieceA control freak wants total control over you - mind, body and soulA fake 'New Man' sucks you dry with his insatiable emotional needsA seducer wants sex with as many women as possible - and a stable 'monogamous' relationship with youAnd a macho man refuses to control his aggressive impulses - verbally, emotionally or physically.
Whatever his personality type, an emotionally abusive man is usually not mentally ill. He might want you to believe that his cruelty is all your fault. Or he might persuade you that he's suffered at the hands of other women, authority figures or society. He might have addiction issues. But remember, none of these are an excuse for abuse. He's not a narcissist. He just has a really low opinion of women.
So, how do you spot a man like that? One way is to be very aware of how he behaves when it's just the two of you. When no one else is looking - is he disrespectful? Does he say or do things he wouldn't want his friends to know about? Or does he make sexist jokes you're supposed to laugh at? Only you can answer this.
If you'd like to find out more on this subject, including a free series of articles about how you can recover from emotionally abusive relationships, go to http://www.wolfinyourbed.com/.

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Relationships - Winning By All Means

Relationships are a quirky set of mind games played by some of the most super of athletes, a husband and a wife.Gridiron gold, the summer/winter games across the pond or just round ball tournament play. It takes a certain amount of skill and finesse to make the team work like a winning team.
Everyone knows that there is only one captain, one team owner, one coach. Not so in a successful marriage. Getting top billing in this relationship is almost as thrilling as the game itself in married life.
True, relationships are geared towards the combined efforts of a joint team, but you know as well as I do, that dogs don't hunt!
It's not about getting the upper hand, or even being first. It is total all in all warfare when it comes to relationships involving men and women for superior rights of one-up-ness. This is empowerment at it's best.
Men have their ideas about relationships and of course women have the ideal answer as to what those ideas should be and who owns the rights to them. Now we all shoot for the same goal on this team...to score the big points in the game of everyday life.
It's bad enough one would tend to describe any relationships in sports terms or metaphors. Take bowling or baseball for example...men and women's relationships are in a league of their own.
Did I come up with that just because both the games have strikes? Well, you have to admit it would work because these are the opposites that attract.
Relationships in bowling are that strikes are good for points...in baseball not so good...well that would depend on if you're giving strikes or getting strikes. Oh wow, another decision make that will no doubt cause splits!
We're a of a generation that teaches the younger kids these days that points don't matter and that all sports are team events and being on the team is the winning venture.
Kind of ruins the relationship of having something greater to strive for, but that's just my opinion...and we all know about opinions.
Maybe I should run for office or something.
Anyways, relationships are built, forged and maintained in successful marriages on love, trust and security as well as playing nice together. Sharing the many responsibilities as head of whichever department has it' advantages. Like, making the money to sustain the household and making the decisions as to what that money covers in terms of food, shelter and clothing. A win-win for all concerned when it works in harmony.
Because it's a very different game in each household, the pairings that pit husband and wife sometimes against each other makes for some very interesting sports trivia.
Remember when he called an audible and said he was going out with the boys and if she didn't like it she could just lump it?
Well she did...and as I understand it according to the doctors, the swelling should be down enough tomorrow for him to be able to see out of at least one of his eyes.
Relationships are a joy to behold. Men and women contribute so very much to one another. It's the essence of married life, successful marriages, relief of stress and finances and then finding what will ultimately turn out to be your best friend.
And isn't that what you want out of life, a player on your team that can bring you home on a sacrifice fly...or make a pass right down the middle for a touchdown...volley for your affections in an endless match...or one that tees off and lands on the green without teeing you off.
Of course there's always the concession stand.
In all good and lasting relationships, take the time to get a hot dog and just enjoy the game.
Concessions are always good.
A Friend in Business...and Life...Always,
-Lon-

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The Consequences of the Drama-Filled Lifestyle

Are you living life to your greatest potential? If so, you are living the life that you were created to enjoy. If not, you should be evaluating everything about your life, including you the person, your relationships, your environment, what you are doing to achieve your greatest potential, and those things you may be doing that are preventing you from living the kind of life you desire. Evaluation is necessary in order to prepare and position you to start pursuing and claiming the optimum human experience that every human being is entitled to enjoy. In order to pursue, claim, and enjoy anything in life, you must identify those road blocks that may be restrictive or prohibitive. In order to identify these road blocks, you must have vision. If you cannot clearly see the path to the enjoyable life that you desire, you will continue to stumble around aimlessly wanting to enjoy a certain lifestyle, but never achieving this particular goal. One of the most crippling impediments that prevent people from achieving their goal of enjoying a power-packed, purposeful, and fulfilling life is the chaotic/drama-filled lifestyle. The drama-filled lifestyle, over a period of time, will drain the very life out of those people who allow drama to rule their personal journeys. Yet, it is not unusual for people to confuse the excitement they seek in living a fulfilling and enjoyable life, with the drama that sucks the life out of them, as well as their relationships.In case you think drama is exciting, you should be aware of some descriptions of the drama-filled relationship. Then consider how the following descriptors could be roadblocks that are keeping you from getting optimal enjoyment out of life:
• Addictive
• Exhaustive
• Victimizing
• Unstable
• Emotional chaos
• Co-dependency
• Erratic
• Irrational
• Deadly
Toxic relationships are "Sick Attachments" and one of the dominant ingredients in sick attachments is "drama". In order to fully understand the devastation of the drama-filled relationship, a person should be knowledgeable about the truths and myths when it comes to drama, and how drama affects relationships. You may wonder why I've attached relationships to the optimum living experience, so let me explain. Since our relationships revolve around everything that goes on in our lives, it is important to understand the outcome when drama affects every part of our lives. While drama can be defined as excitement, it is critical to reject the notion that "drama" in the negative context should have a place anywhere in the abundant lifestyle.
When an individual embraces and accepts drama into his or her personal life, he or she can be certain that it will eventually spill over into other parts of his or her life. Drama left unchecked will not be contained. For example, when personal drama spills over into an individual's professional life, and it becomes governed by chaos, focus is lost; mistakes are made (unnecessary and/or minor errors, as well as colossal oversights); excessive absenteeism becomes a problem preventing the timely completion of projects, if at all; excessive personal telephone calls are distracting to the workplace and become a problem; or the person whose lifestyle is dominated by drama may become erratic in his or her attempts to hide the drama. This person wants to be viewed by his or her employer in a certain way (e.g. held in high regard) and is embarrassed when those in authority become knowledgeable about their drama-filled lifestyles. Once personal drama starts to affect job performance, regardless of skill set or talent that may have been of value to the employer in the past, the current poor performance that is the result of the drama-filled lifestyle now has the employee viewed as incompetent. In most workplace cultures, compensation is based on performance. So once personal drama takes a toll on job performance, it directly affects income. When considering employees for advancement opportunities, employers want people who will represent them well.
They want to be assured that those who are promoted will handle pressure well; they will come to work on a regular basis and will not frequently call in for unscheduled days off; and that they (the employer) have entrusted valuable assignments to people who are focused, pay attention to detail, and will deliver peak performance. The drama that an individual brings into the workplace can lead to demotion and/or dismissal. There are countless stories of careers destroyed, homes lost, family and friends lost because of drama-filled relationships that wind up in divorce, a break-up of a relationship, or some other adverse life-changing experience.
The individual who attempts to seek solace in a place of worship, but again, leaves the drama-filled lifestyle unchecked, will find that the chaotic spirit spills over into attempts at spiritual relationships. The very nature of chaos is antithetical to the nature of spirituality, which is peaceful, harmonious, loving, and religious. Those people who allow drama to impact their attempts to connect with the Higher Power of their understanding usually suffer from continued discontentment or torment; the inner peace they so desperately seek continues to be elusive; and a connection with other people at their place of worship is impossible because others who value spirituality will not want to be connected with the toxicity of drama.
When drama rules your life, it prohibits you from having relationships with balanced people, people who refuse to embrace any type of negativity. Men and women who are not accustomed to drama, who were not brought up in drama-filled environments have no stomach or patience for it. You may be an attractive man or woman; you may be a man or woman who is financially well off; you may be the man or woman who offers excitement in some form. However, the individual who values peace, tranquility and balance in a relationship is capable of overlooking those things (e.g. physical attraction, finances, etc.) that the drama king or drama queen believes secures a substantive and lasting relationship.
We must learn to distinguish healthy loving relationships from toxic relationships or any element of a toxic relationship. The distinction makes all the difference in the world, and the distinction may wind up being the difference between life and death. Pay attention to even the smallest elements of a toxic relationship because as they accumulate, they eventually wind up becoming a mass of destruction and confusion that is capable of taking out the most stable-minded, able-bodied man or woman. Drama may have your adrenaline going for a period of time, but eventually it will eat away at you, your character, and your reputation. It will deny you of healthy loving relationships. Have you ever met or heard of someone who was proud of a legacy of drama? I doubt it because there is no honor in being a drama queen or drama king.
When you refuse to give into drama; when you refuse to let others draw you into their drama, you are exerting power. When you feel empowered, you feel good about who you are. When you are empowered, you are capable of controlling certain outcomes. When you are in control, you are at peace; your voice is the voice of calm and reason. On the other hand, in most cases, when the drama is over, someone is left to feel inferior, not loved, taken for granted, victimized, misused or abused in some way. When you take the time to exercise critical thinking rather than falling for the drama, you are taking control over your life and your environment. Those around you know when you are in control of your life; when you walk in power; what you will accept and what you will reject. In return, they respond to you with something called "Respect". Now that you are drama-free, well-respected, empowered, and have the vision necessary, every part of your life is aligned to reach its greatest potential.
Pamela Reaves November 23, 2011
Pam Reaves is the Founder and CEO of NELLA LLC, a Maryland limited liability company. She is a Certified Professional Coach, with concentrations in Motivational Coaching and Relationship Coaching. Pam is trained to coach clients in their pursuits of healthy, happy and powerful human experiences. Pam is also the author of the thought-provoking and powerful book, "Is It Love...Or Merely a Sick Attachment?" "Is It Love..." is published by Tate Publishing & Enterprises and has been well-received by readers as far away as Africa and Australia. Individuals of all ages, ethnic backgrounds and social status agree "Is It Love..." is a pager turner that offers a fresh perspective on the devastating difference between loving relationships and toxic relationships. Pam holds a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Management and has over 30 years experience in working and thriving in diverse corporate cultures in the areas of human resource, labor relations, finance, legal, and real estate. Learn more about Pam Reaves at http://www.pamreavesnellallc.com/.

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Signs You Are Obsessed With Someone

Are you obsessed with someone? It can be easy to become obsessed with someone if you feel as if they are going to make you happier, better, or more fulfilled in life. Ironically, the truth is that they are not going to be doing any of those things, you just think they are. You are the only one who can make yourself happier, better, or more fulfilled.3 Signs You Are Obsessed With Someone
1. You Miss Doing Things You HAVE To Do Because of 'The Chance'
If you are missing commitments to work, family, or friends because you are sitting around in hopes to see someone or hear from them, then you may be obsessed with someone.
Missing commitments in your life just on the chance that you might see someone or talk to someone shows that you can't miss out on that person, even if you there's the possibility you won't see them. Commitments are called commitments for a reason! They are the things you have to do to further your relationships with your family or friends, and they can also be meetings that will further you in your life. You don't want to miss commitments because you are obsessed with someone. This will just cause regrets later in life when you are no longer obsessed with that person!
2. You Miss Doing Things You WANT To Do
This is bad because you are 'pausing your life' for someone else. Life is meant to be enjoyed! There are things in life you want to do because they bring you joy and happiness. When you start missing out on things that you want to do, you are denying yourself the joy and happiness you deserve.
I have done this. Instead of hanging out with my friends (what I wanted to do) I sat by the phone hoping that a guy would call. I missed the moments with my friends, and guess what... that guy never ended up calling! This is not a rare thing to happen. Missing things you want to do is a huge sign that you are obsessed with someone.
3. Your Other Relationships Are Suffering
This is true whether you are obsessed with someone you are dating or someone you want to date. Your other relationships will start to take a back burner to your obsession and you will find that your friends and family will start to feel more distant from you. They will become second place to your obsession.
A lot of times you don't really notice this at first. You are so focused on someone else that you just forget about you other relationships for a while. But after some time you will notice that you are feeling the disconnection from your friends or family, and this is when you know that you are giving too much to that 'someone' and not enough to your relationships that were there before this 'someone'.
When you are obsessed with someone you can lose all track of yourself! Recognize the signs of being obsessed and shift your obsession to yourself instead of someone else!
Bellaisa is the owner of the Relationship Circle. a website with relationship advice for men and women.

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Trial Separation: How to Make It Work

A trial separation is a split up of a couple that is informal. It differs from legal separation in that it is an arrangement that is purely personal and does not need legal proceedings. The couple can later choose to reconcile or continue with a divorce. With a marital trial separation, both of the couple can experience some of the emotions that are associated with being separated without the final decision to divorce. Its main advantage is that it can be reversed. You can try living without your spouse for a time, go into counseling then reconcile. You can also try the setup for a time and the go on with a divorce.So is momentary separation vital factor in deciding to divorce or reconcile?
This is a tough question. The process works for some couples but it can be detrimental to others. In having major changes in your life, a new set of sentiments and emotions is supposed to spark up. When you finish college for instance, you make huge plans and dream of conquering the world. When you marry, you look forward to having a family, getting your new home and having an active participation in your community.
An entirely new set of dynamics is brought about by trial separation. It is a message to the couple that their union can be saved. It means there is hope but you need to take stock of what happened in the years that you were married. Questions such as "can our relationship be rebuilt by putting distance between ourselves" or what have we done wrong" are all very common.
With a trial separation, it means that the willingness and desire exist on the part of both couples to avoid drastic measures such as divorce. It confirms that the husband and wife are still in love with each other. The process is also a reflective examination of your conscience. It is natural for people to commit mistakes. By separating temporarily, partners will have the time think and be with their feelings and thoughts. Thus, marital trial separation is basically a chance to have an inner look and reflect on the issues and solutions that may be available for the marriage.
There are people who think that trial separations just hide a bad marriage, which cannot be saved or a superficial solution to a failed marriage. Some thinks that couples just like to avoid the huge expenses associated with a divorce so the next best thing to do is trial separation.
Separating, no matter how temporary, needs planning. The classic scene of packing and announcing "I need to leave you because I have to give time to myself" is too abrupt. Both partners should agree to the separation calmly, honestly and logically. You need to be calm because any strong emotion will affect your judgment, honestly because you need to establish whether the separation is really a good alternative to divorce and logically because communication between you and your spouse is vital in trial separation.
To know more about trial separation and how you can use it to improve your relationship, visit my site at http://www.marriagetrialseparationblog.org/

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What Does Co-Dependency Mean and Where Does It Come From?

WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY? Have you ever heard the term co-dependency? Most of my clients have heard the term before, but some are not really sure what it means. It refers to a syndrome that happens to people who love addicts or other dysfunctional people. It usually starts in childhood, but can happen to people who grow up in a reasonably normal family after they are grown. This article will discuss how co-dependency develops in childhood. Co-dependency is a pattern of behaviors and beliefs learned by children of dysfunctional families while they are growing up. As a child in a dysfunctional family, this can be helpful to the family and enable it to survive. However, it is very harmful to the child whom we will call "the family hero". I have thrown some new words at you, and some clarification is needed. First of all, what is a dysfunctional family? It can be defined in many ways. For this purpose a dysfunctional family consists of one or both parents who have issues that interfere with their functioning as parents and partners. Some of these issues might be alcoholism or other drug addictions, or mental disorders like bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. So how does this affect the children? At least one of the children steps up to the plate and assumes some of the duties normally performed by a parent. This is because the dysfunctional parent is unable to consistently function in the role of a parent.This child becomes the "family hero".For example, if mom is too drunk to make dinner the hero child does it. After dinner, the other kids may need help with their homework, to be told to do their homework, to have a permission slip signed, or need someone to talk to about being bullied at school. Again, the hero child takes care of it. The more that the parent under functions, the more the hero child over functions. The other parent may need a confidante about the problems with the dysfunctional parent. Again the hero child assumes that role. Thus, some of the tasks get done, and the family survives.
How does taking on all of this adult responsibility affect the hero child? From the outside they look great. Mature beyond their years, they are responsible, want to do what is right, anticipate the needs of others and do whatever they can to please the adults in their lives. Inside, though, they are an endless sea of pain. They feel overwhelmed by multiple tasks beyond their maturity level. Since performing like an adult is impossible for children, they feel chronically inadequate. They become so busy anticipating the needs of others, that they lose their sense of self and identity in the process. They work harder and harder to keep everybody and everything under control. Since this is also impossible, the harder they work the angrier and more frustrated they feel. Of course, they do not express it, because expressing a negative feeling causes an explosion in an addicted family. Thus the hero suffers through hideous family scenes, and then everyone later behaves as if nothing happened. This is crazy-making and makes people question their judgment. Since the hero child often becomes the confidante for the other parent, the boundaries in their relationships become all mixed up.
All of these behaviors become automatic in the hero and persist into adulthood, where they cause all sorts of problems. The family hero believes that he is responsible for everybody and everything. He believes that he knows and can fix what is wrong with people. He believes that the needs of others are more important than his, and that he must help everybody who asks. His boundaries in adult relationships do not exist. Under stress, the hero over functions desperately, until he is exhausted. The next article will explain how these automatic behaviors and beliefs affect the adult family hero who we will call the co-dependent. If you feel ready, you may open the workbook and begin exercise #1. This child becomes the "family hero".
Joyce McLeod Henley is a licensed experienced masters level social worker. She has worked with a wide variety of people with a wide variety of problems for over 20 years. She graduated from Washington University in St Louis for both her undergraduate and graduate degrees. She specializes in co-dependency and all types of relationships. She is on most EAP and insurance panels

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The Trap of Mediocre Relationships

We've all heard of the frog in the pot phenomenon. How a frog will leap out of hot water, but if placed in a lukewarm pot of water set on high flames, the frog will allow itself to be boiled to death. It's a gradual death, the most brutal of its kind, where you're lulled into a dull complacency that keeps you from noticing that you're slowly, but surely, ceasing to live.This is the essence of every mediocre relationship. Humans are incredibly adaptable creatures and if placed in a less-than-desirable situation long enough, we become used to it. We learn to justify it to ourselves and fall into the trap of thinking that maybe this is normal. In fact, it was meant to be this way. No relationship is perfect, right?
There's no end to the justifications we'll create for ourselves in order to avoid leaving something that has become our norm. It's often worse if there are societal pressures. Expectations from parents to settle down or a circle of friends who have all acquired significant others can convince even the most rational person to opt for the safe guarantee over the uncertainty of the dating scene. Why waste your time when you already have someone who at the very least is willing to stick around?
Yet, sustaining a mediocre relationship is just as, if not more, tiresome than going through the dating dance again. Feigning affection and interest for a partner who doesn't thrill you is draining, not to mention the mental energy expended on what if contemplations and re-convincing yourself why it's smart to stay.
And unlike the dating scene, a mediocre relationship has no hope of a fulfilling relationship at the end. At least dating, with all its disappointments and ambiguities, still contains the potential of meeting someone you would be giddy to wake up next to. With a "settling" relationship, you work just as hard just to keep it afloat when it's more than likely that it's never going to come with the reward of fulfillment.
Not to mention that staying with someone who makes you think that you're settling is unfair, both for you and the person you're staying with. Not only are you depriving yourself of the chance to meet someone who is really amazing for you, by choosing to stay with someone you don't value, you're depriving your partner the opportunity of meeting someone who would adore them.
But the best reason to extract yourself from a mediocre relationships is that they don't last. If you're missing a critical factor in the relationship - at some point, there will be irreparable ruptures in the relationship. And really, wouldn't you rather invest that time and energy into building something with someone you can't get enough of?
Qua International is a boutique introductions agency specializing in personalized matchmaking for our busy, young professional clientele. Although we cater primarily to bi-cultured Asians, we strive to help all of our members find the perfect match. You can learn more about us at http://www.quainternational.com/.

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Whose Home for the Holidays? Simple Ways to Avoid Seasonal Conflicts With Your Partner

Holidays are supposed to be a happy time, filled with food, family and fun. It's a time of holiday music echoing through the shopping centers, spending long nights indoors with loved ones, and generally being thankful for every blessing that we've encountered in the last year. This season is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year, yet more than 80 percent of us admit that the holiday season is at least somewhat, if not very, stressful! The effort to create the perfect holiday gets to many of us, and the resulting anxiety can wreak havoc on our health and our relationships.Relationships can be especially trying during the holiday season. While we're busy attending to what can seem like a million details, we can be putting undue stress on ourselves, our partners and our relationship. Often, the holiday season is a time when everyone has their own idea about the perfect celebration, when to see family, and other priorities. It is easy to get wrapped in shopping for gifts and planning, and even easier to neglect thorough communication with our significant others. With stretched mental capacities, physical abilities, and budgets-this is the perfect time to fall into a cycle of misunderstanding and conflict.
Instead of letting the holiday stress affect you and your loved ones, take the time to evaluate yourself and the situation. Recognizing that you are stressed can help you curb any behaviors or remarks that may lead to an argument with your partner, your friends, or your family. Soothe your holiday anxiety by trying out a few of these tips to get through the season:
1. Talk to your partner. Before you set foot in a mall or dial the first number to begin planning your family's holiday trip, take the time to discuss plans thoroughly with your partner. Be sure that your plans meet everyone's needs. If you both want to celebrate the holiday with your families, now is the time to work out the details of the trips; poor planning can lead to over-booked schedules, rushed visits, and resentment during the celebration. You may decide to see one family group in November and the next in December; or, if you have enough vacation time, or family that is not too far apart, you might plan to spend the morning at one family's gather and the evening at the next. Even if you have a long-standing holiday tradition, make sure that your partner is OK with repeating it. Discussing these details with your partner will ensure that everyone is happy with the plans, and that everyone feels included in these important holiday details.
2. Host the Holidays at Your Home. Many people feel overwhelmed by the travel involved in the holiday season. Instead of worrying about catching a plane or making a long drive, invite people to come to you. This will allow you to bring many groups of people together, and can help eliminate one or two tasks from your to-do list. You might even find that hosting the celebration builds bonds between groups of relatives that haven't had the chance to get to know one another.
3. Be Realistic About Your Holiday Plans. During the holidays, we all turn into perfectionists. To make it through the season with minimal stress, you should realize your limitations and your time constraints. Take on only what you feel that you can work into your schedule, with time to spare. Remember, every holiday doesn't have to be just like the last one, and you certainly don't have to say yes to every invitation that you receive. There are only so many hours in a day, and everyone will enjoy being together so much more if those hours are not hectic, anxious affairs.
4. Write out your schedule and your budget-then stick to it! Writing out a schedule and a budget can help you manage your holiday expectations. A written schedule can help you visualize how realistic your holiday plans actually are. Be sure to schedule high priority events and tasks first; allow enough time to drive to each destination, and time to enjoy yourself. Your budget should also help you minimize holiday stress. Be sure to include gift allowance for every person, the cost of attending any holiday events, and travel expenses.
5. Set aside your differences and try to enjoy the seasonal togetherness. There will always be at least one relative or acquaintance that has the ability to rub you the wrong way. Recognize who you will be dealing with during the holiday season, and prepare yourself for the event. Accept everyone for who they are, and try to be understanding of everyone's behaviors and comments. If you have problems with a family member that you see only during the holidays, it might help to remember that they are likely dealing with holiday stress too!
6. Be prepared for conflict. Everyone is stressed, and 'tis the season for anxiety. Don't be surprised if a loved one feels a little out of control; you might feel the same way yourself. Approach situations with understanding and a sense of humor. If you and your significant other usually end up in arguments during the holidays, remember to use responsible communication methods and fight fair.
7. Seek professional help if you need it. It's not surprising that some people seek out counselors during the holidays. If the season is truly affecting your mental health-if you feel consistently sad or anxious, have problems sleeping, are irritable, or are having trouble maintaining your daily routine-consider talking to your doctor or a mental health professional. A counselor or other professional can help you gain perspective on your situation, help you manage your time and expectations, and work through your troubles to help you have a better holiday.
Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 15 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence. Visit her website at http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/.

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Learning to Take the Time to Relax: Concerning Mental Health and Being There for Friends and Family

Over the years, I have seen people coming in to see me with all kinds of issues and concerns. Not long ago, I saw a few clients coming in with a different kind of complaint. They were not so concerned about themselves, but were worried about a dear friend or family member going through a critical illness. This particular woman stated that she wanted to be supportive for her friend, yet was concerned about being too pushy or intrusive.she just wasn't sure how to handle her involvement. First I told her how lucky her friend was to have such a kind and compassionate friend as she. Then we discussed the challenges facing a support system when someone you care about receives a life-threatening diagnosis. I thought this was a very important topic and worthy of this article.When someone gets a critical diagnosis, whatever that may be, they often go through the same stages of grief as one who is dying, even if that is not the case. Just the diagnosis itself, can create shock and disbelief. It can make the individual feel vulnerable and unsafe as well as fearful of what the future holds for them. The Kubler-Ross model, often used to describe the grieving process, states that many people go through several different stages of grief when facing death. It starts with denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Not everyone goes through all these stages, and the order may vary, but it gives you an idea what your friend may be experiencing following his or her traumatic diagnosis or event. Even if they are not facing a terminal illness, just the shock of surviving an accident, or a serious diagnosis, can also trigger a grief reaction. While they are not grieving the loss of life, they are grieving the loss of feeling safe and invulnerable, and that can affect a person emotionally as much as the process of healing physically.
Most of us go through life with a kind of belief or attitude that if we do our job, work hard, be responsible and follow all the rules; we will stay safe and nothing too devastating will happen to us. Most believe that they only need to start worrying about degenerative diseases threatening their life once they get older and become frail. Although we all know that this is not necessarily true, it is the story most people tell themselves, a kind of universal denial in order to feel safe and powerful. So whether you get this diagnosis, or if you are in a serious accident, or you lost your house in a fire, whatever the dire situation is, it can send you into a tailspin of shock, fear, denial and depression until you come to accept the situation and learn how to deal with it.
When you are the friend, sister or cousin of this person, you may find yourself reacting on two different levels. On the one hand you may feel shocked yourself hearing about your friend, you will probably feel sad for them and worried and want to be supportive. On another level, this can bring on a lot of fear and stress for you. If you, like most, of us, have been living under the illusion that you are safe and expect to stay that way, what do you say to yourself now that your closest friend has been diagnosed with a critical illness? This can create a dilemma as on the one hand you want to be supportive and there for her, but on the other hand seeing your friend, sister or colleague shrinking in front of you, becoming depressed and vulnerable, or witnessing their reactions to the chemo, radiation, or medical visits can create so much stress and fear in your, that you may find yourself looking for any reason to avoid dealing with her and her needs. Her vulnerability reminds you that you can also become vulnerable, and who wants to be reminded of that? For this reason, you may find yourself using any excuse to avoid dealing directly with her needs. You may feel guilty but you are so paralyzed with fear and anxiety, that you feel you are more ready to deal with the guilt than walk with your friend through this mine field of anxiety and stress.
The good news is there are many ways that you can be there for your friend or family member. If you can't bring yourself to go with her to the doctor, or the hospital, you can:
- offer to watch her children so she has time to rest
- go shopping with her or for her
- take her out to a movie, to distract her
- explain to her that you are not abandoning her but the situation is bringing up a lot of stress in you and this is the best you can do for now
- ask her how she is and don't accept "fine" as a real answer
- Tell her you are so sorry that she has to go through this
- Make her a supper, so she doesn't have to cook
- Take her out for a walk
- Make phone calls for her
What not to say:
- don't tell her you know of other people surviving this illness. She doesn't care about other people. She may be still in shock or denial mode
- don't tell her to be positive. She will feel angry and think that you are minimizing her situation
- don't tell her it will be fine. You don't know that and neither does she
- don't tell her she has to be strong. She is not feeling strong right now, she feels terrified
For people facing these challenges, it's not just about the right doctor, the right physiotherapist, or treatments, it's also dealing with the emotional impact that this situation has placed on the individual. They are feeling overwhelmed, lost, scared, exhausted, depressed, and terrified. They are not fine but might say so because they know or feel that is what you want to hear. The truth is the one who needs the help is embarrassed or shy or afraid to ask you, in case you can't handle it. This is the time when you need to raise the bar, and be there for her or him. Isn't that the true meaning of friendship and family?
Rhonda Rabow, M.A.
Author's Bio Rhonda Rabow is an author and a psychotherapist living in Montreal, Quebec Canada. She has over 25 years experience counseling individuals, couples and families facing a variety of life challenges; from parenting, grief, depression, and self-esteem issues, to conflict resolution and marriage counseling. Her approach is empowerment and she accomplishes this by helping her clients find solutions to their problems and teaching them the skills and tools they need to feel back in control of their lives. She has also recently published an e-book called, "Discover the 3 secrets to living happily ever after".
http://www.helphelpmerhonda.ca/
http://www.rhondarabow.com/

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Rationalizations and Explanations You Use to Justify NOT Changing an Unsatisfying Relationship

When the fear of change withholds you from changing a relationship which is not satisfying, you might resort to rationalize and justify why you don't make any change by stating that:* You feel obligated to your partner, to his family or to members of your family.
* You live together in a rented apartment, and tell yourself you can't break the lease and rent an apartment by yourself.
* You are busy at work and convince yourself you don't have the time or energy to deal with "these kinds of issues".
* You are about to graduate and tell yourself that right now it's better to concentrate on successfully completing your degree.
* You are expecting to hear about a new job that you were interviewed for and prefer not to make any changes in your current situation until you hear if you were hired.
* You tell yourself that in your state of health it's better to wait.
On the surface, some of these rationalizations and justifications sound very logical, as this is their function. The truth is that the fear of change exerts so much power over you, that you resist any possibility of making a move. It's easier for you to stay in the current situation, rather than initiating a process of change. Eventually, you resort to cast doubt on the need for change, or your ability to make it.
Casting doubt on the need for change: Scott
Scott feels that he should do something about his relationship with Pat. Since she began her new job, she's forgotten that she has a partner. It's not that he's against her professional advancement - on the contrary: he was the one who supported and encouraged her to study and move forward. But now that she's finished school, it seems to him that she's pushed him aside and is moving ahead only at work.
But then, maybe he is exaggerating. Maybe he is asking too much. Maybe he really doesn't understand how hard she works and what responsibilities she has.
Explanation:
Scott isn't satisfied with Pat. He feels that she isn't devoting him enough time. But he resists doing anything about it because he's afraid:
* To discover that she may not love him anymore.
* That she might become even more remote.
* That she might leave him.
Frightened by what changing the nature of his relationship with Pat might bring about, Scott casts doubt on the need to initiate any change at all. He tells himself that he has been carried away by his expectations.
The difficulty in changing habits and the resistance to stepping outside of your comfort zone might drive you to cast doubts on the need for change. You begin to wonder if the situation is really as bad as it seems. You tell yourself: "Things aren't so bad with my partner. Actually, everything is basically okay".
Casting doubts on your ability to change: Jill
Jill wants a partner that will fill her with pleasure and satisfaction, growth and personal fulfillment. Is it too much to ask for?
The problem is that she's been with Nick for four years, and even though he isn't good for her, she doesn't believe she'll ever find someone better.
"That's my fate", she tells her friends, and "I guess that's the way it's supposed to be". Despite her desire to break up with him and find another partner, she doesn't dare to leave.
When you, like Jill, resist the prospect of change, casting doubts on your ability to change, you might justify to yourself why it's better to avoid initiating any change but rather stay in the existing situation. You tell yourself:
* "I don't stand a chance."
* "There's no hope."
* "It's impossible."
* "Others have tried and failed, why should I succeed?"
Casting doubts on your ability to change causes you to stay in the current unsatisfying situation.
The steps you need to take in order to stop justifying yourself and make a change
When you are in an unsatisfying relationship and don't have the courage to make a change neither in the relationship nor leave, instead resorting to using rationalizations and explanations to justify not initiating any change, you quite likely end up bitter, angry, frustrated and stuck.
When you become aware of your rationalizations and the fears controlling them you are then able to move forward in making the necessary changes. This involves:
* Acknowledging the rationalizations and justifications you have been using to stay foot in your current situation.
* Admitting and combating the fears and resistances that control you.
* Initiating change and bring new quality to your life.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 100 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com/

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Things To Text Your Girlfriend

Whether you are just dating a woman casually, or she is your full-fledged girlfriend, it is important that you text her often to make sure that she is always thinking about you. If she is away from home all day at work and she never hears from you she might start flirting with another guy, and that could ruin your whole relationship. So, in this article I'm going to give you a few different things to text your girlfriend to make sure that you stay on her mind.Now there are almost never-ending possibilities of things that you can text your girlfriend, and different situations call for different types of texts. But, to keep things simple I'm going to stick to three basic types of texts to send to your girlfriend that she will absolutely love:
1) Sexy Texts
Sexy talk is important in an adult relationship. You don't need to be filthy, but it is important to keep things hot and passionate so that things don't get boring and you start treating each other like brother and sister. I have seen a lot of my friends who have been with their girlfriends for a long time fall into this trap. One of my favorite romantic this to text a girl is simply, "I was just thinking about what I'm going to do the next time that I see you..." That one makes girls very excited because it implies something naughty.
2) Checking in texts
These texts aren't quite as exciting, but they are still important. It is important that your girlfriend feels like you care about how she is doing and are there to support her if she needs you. don't send these too often or it will make you look clingy and needy, but make sure to send them to her from time to time. An example of a "checking in text would be something like, "How is your day going baby?" These texts are simple, but vital to the long-term health of your relationship.
3) Romantic Texts
Many guys feel uncomfortable sending romantic texts to their girlfriends because they like to pretend that they are "tough guys" or "bad boys" this is very stupid! The fact is that women love it when guys are romantic. You just can't act too romantic all the time or she will think that you are sappy. So make sure to balance out romance will normal masculine behavior. A good romantic text that I have used is, "Did I ever tell you that you are a ray of sunshine that lights up my live?" I know that may sound like a bit much, but you would be surprised how well women respond to this type of thing!
Texts are a tool that you must utilize for the health of your relationship, and I hope this has given you some ideas about things to text your girlfriend.
If things have started to cool off between you and your girlfriend then it is crucial that you learn how to text the romance back before it's too late and you guys split up! Visit my website http://www.howtomack.com/ to learn all about how to text girls the right way, and other underground dating techniques you'll find NOWHERE ELSE!
Visit now and get 4 free ebooks!
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The Digital Boyfriend Test: Can Your Online Love Become Real?

With all the sexting, texting and online dating in our culture, sometimes it's hard for a girl to tell if an online crush is real or not. While it's fun to get a charge out of his text-based flirting, can a digital fake boyfriend morph into a real life relationship. I mean, let's be honest, for some guys a keyboard tryst is just that. He may not ever intend to move further than a sexting relationship. So here are some questions to ask yourself:Is he an online groupie? Remember, a gushing blog reader is not a boyfriend. Now I'm not saying that someone who reads your words or sees your photo online or has 143 Facebook friends in common with you might never, ever become a boyfriend. It's possible. But it can't start out that way. I once had this misguided notion after a digital boyfriend had read my writing. I had wrongfully assumed that since we had seen each other's photos, and heard each other's voices, that we somehow "knew" each other. In actuality intimacy is something that requires plenty of face time - and I'm not referring to the iPhone program. If you are not meeting face-to-face now, you probably won't be doing that in the future.
Did you start to sext too soon? Sexting is a wonderful way to maintain a fully intimate, trusting relationship. It is not a way to court. Intimate sexual talk, even if it be via text, is one way to slow down the growing emotional intimacy. It's as if our minds can handle two kids of intimacy at once (sexual and emotional) so it puts the breaks on one. So, if texts and emails are laced with sex over intellectual and emotional topics, you might get a hook-up from him but probably not a boyfriend.
Do his actions speak louder than his texts? Plane Tickets Trump Promises. If he's a no-show at the beginning, then you can count on him to be a no-show later. The beginning of a courtship should look like an Academy Award performance of Prince Charming. If it's anything less than he is communicating something powerful to you. He's not a real boyfriend. Move on!
Does he text way more than he talks? Text keeps us in touch, but that's about it. Frequent, regular text messages assuage our attachment anxiety. It keeps us in touch. But it does not build a healthy relationship. It feels good. We get a happy impulse when we receive a text. But this series of dopamine jolts is the thing that tricks our brains into thinking this is a real relationship.
Does he live in geographic range? Geography rules. No wonder there is a dating app that helps you find the nearest suitor. Proximity is more important than compatibility. Really. No matter how perfect that man who lives 3000 miles away is for you, a perfectly good enough man on your block will get you closer to a healthy relationship and maybe even a family.
Dr. Wendy Walsh is a relationship expert, a counselor for romantic attachment and personal coach on how to have a healthy relationship and a healthy family.

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Nine Secrets For An Awesome Relationship

Seems to be the season for relationship break downs around here. I've got a few friends moving like molasses through the pain of separation. I am sad for them, and yet I know there is good stuff lying in wait around the corner.For my husband Rob, who is a divorce lawyer, and who was divorced himself before we met, it's always the season, day in day out. I figured if anyone might know the secrets to a good relationship, it might be him - someone who sees what doesn't work every day.
Plus I've been told many times over that our marriage is the source of much inspiration for others. We have a GREAT relationship! So here are some insights from our respective experiences.

1. "Families who play together stay together." This is Rob's #1 top secret to a successful relationship. What he means is that you enjoy each other's company, that you have some common interests, that you have adventures together. That's why we go on skiing trips, go body boarding in the surf, go running together, watch movies, play with the chickens and hang out together. We like each other's company.

2. Enjoy your respective 'boy time' and 'girl time'. We hang out together, but we don't live our lives in each other's pockets. Rob plays tennis with the boys on Wednesdays and Sundays and I get facials, massages, and this weekend I'm going for high tea with the girls. Bring it on.

3. You don't divorce your best friend. Rob asked me, 'how many times in your life have you ditched a best friend?' Stumped me. My closest friends are still my closest friends, even though we are continents apart and don't see each other often. There's a sense of unconditional support and appreciation, a non-judgment of best friends that holds the relationship together. Apply this to your own intimate relationship.

4. Always speak your truth. If something is niggling, bring it up. Do this before your head explodes with all the imagined responses and twists and excuses and other crapola that your imagination can drum up.

5. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Sure it's easier to be around someone who is tip toeing through the tulips every day, but you cannot make them happy - they have to do that for themselves. You can't love someone enough to make them happy. They've got to do that - from the inside out. Your job is to tend your own happiness, your own focus, your own emotional vibration - that is something YOU can control, so focus on that. Bonus: your joie de vivre will tend to rub off on others.

6. Stop needing them to change. Are there things about Rob's behaviour I don't like? Sure. Like when he leaves the toilet seat up. Grrrr... He says, "I put the lid down as much as much as you close the door to the outside when the heater is on." So if you're going to point fingers, they get pointed back. Focus instead on appreciating what you do like - like the way he brings me flowers from the office every Friday. I LOVE that!

7. Create your own rituals, inside secrets, and family culture. All the examples I can think of are adults-only. Except for maybe the 'tea top up' command which means, "please can you show me that you love me by filling up my tea cup and really I am too lazy to do it for myself" or singing the 'clean-up song' we learned from my niece's day care as the signal for, 'let's do this boring task together and make it fun by acting like two-year olds'. (Did that sound as dorky as I think it does? Well I guess that's the point - we give ourselves permission to act a little like dorks and have some fun together, even with the mundane daily tasks).
8. Tell each other why you love each other, and why you like each other. Saying 'I love you' and then following it with 'because...' keeps the juicy parts of your relationship alive and fresh and bubbling. Kind of like a sourdough starter - you've got to keep feeding it.


9. Love you, and your life, on your own. You do not need anything or anyone or anywhere to make you feel good. All you need is the power of your focus, the direction of your attention. And the more you can do that, for yourself, in any given circumstances, the more you'll feel free. You'll fill with the joys of spring and every day will glisten with weekend delight. You will radiate compassion and sexiness and mojo galore. You'll be so filled with love that you will overflow with it, inviting others to play at your party. And that will fill your cup of love even more.
That's a short list - I would LOVE to hear your tips on relationships that rock your socks. Please leave a comment and let me know YOUR secrets.
Leadership Coach, Speaker, and Author Zoe Routh works with women in business to enhance their personal effectiveness and leadership capacity for global effect. For free tips on how to become a more effective leader that will save you time, money, energy, and stress, go to http://www.innercompass.com.au/

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The Importance of Understanding Reciprocal Relationships

Understanding Reciprocal Relationships is an important consideration in any attempt to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship. Most people in relationships come by this understanding either by happenstance or through lifelong experience. Some never do, and end up with their relationship irreparably damaged or broken. "Reciprocal" is roughly defined as "given or felt by each toward the other; mutual". The World English Dictionary defines it as "indicating that action is given and received by each subject".In order for a relationship to be reciprocal, focus must pertain to both partners. If the relationship is beneficial or advantageous primarily for one side, an automatic imbalance of power and interest surfaces. The one side gets to reap the benefits to the detriment of the other, and such a relationship cannot survive long. Oftentimes, the benefits to the recipient in a relationship is immediately obvious; but sometimes the benefit is one obtained from the act of giving(or serving), which itself has latent benefits that the giver alone derives. Furthermore, there are relationships, where one typically only receives rather than gives; and while this may seem at a glance to be beneficial to the recipient, it may be in effect detrimental, as the recipient generally does so as a passive recipient, an empty vessel, a mere beneficiary of some unspecified charitable act, stripped of his own power or will to choose or act for himself.
In a more balanced relationship, individuals offer a service to one another and both individuals experience learning - thereby benefiting both relatively equally, and engaging relatively equally. This conceptualization blurs the lines between serving and learning from having served, and receiving and learning from having received. It suggests that there are ultimate psychological and emotional benefits to giving (or serving) as well as to receiving.
To achieve these more balanced ends, both partners must collaborate in the processes of designing, implementing, and assessing the relationship experience. They must have comparably equivalent levels of power in order to embed their needs in the development of the relationship, protect their needs when it is enacted, and evaluate how their needs are met throughout the duration of the relationship. Therefore, in order to determine the reciprocal nature of a relationship, then, one must consider not only the focus of the relationship as well as who benefits, but also the relative power of both participants in setting that focus and designating who benefits.
In her study of reciprocal relationship for service-learning, Jerusha O. Conner, an assistant professor of education at Villanova University in Pennsylvania, proposes a third overarching dimension that I apply in romantic relationships called "agency," which includes this design element, but also the implementation, as well as the process of assessing how the design's intentions were carried out. The agency dimension captures the relative power of each partner to frame needs and set parameters; to act; and finally to reflect and evaluate. When the balance of power across these three domains is equitable, reciprocity becomes more likely.
Using her conceptual model of Agency, there are three 'powers' or 'domains' that must exist in the relationship between the parties:
1. Power to Design - both parties collaborate in designing and framing the terms, the intentions (goals), the needs requirements and criteria for satisfaction, and the parameters and structures;
2. Power to Act - both parties assume the roles of server and recipient and thereby each deriving the benefits of both roles.
3. Power to Evaluate - both partners reflect on and assess the experience and the relationship as a whole. Both get to learn about each other and about the influence of each other's giving by evaluating each other's satisfaction.
It is critical to underscore the point that in a reciprocal relationship, one partner provides as valuable a service to the other partner, as the other partner provided in return. In the first aspect - the designing of a relationship, it is critical to note that there must be relative equity in the balance of power and status in the relationship between the partners, highlighting each individual's assets and strengths, while simultaneously addressing their needs. Each partner has something to derive from the other; and each has something they can contribute to the other. Each lacks some benefit that the other can provide. The design of the relationship should therefore have a structure that supports, promotes and enhances the development of a more reciprocal, balanced relationship between the partners.
In the second aspect - that of performing both roles of giver and recipient - both are able to learn from, and about, the other. As both giver and receiver derive altogether different benefits from the role, it becomes necessary for each to enter the role directly and experience it firsthand in order to benefit (or learn) from the exchange. This helps deepen their understanding, and hence appreciate, the connection to, and respect for the other partner. More importantly they derive the manifest and latent benefits of performing both roles. Furthermore, doing so brings experiences that allow each one to question their own biases, expectations and assumptions, and allows each partner to recognize the other's strengths and gifts as being of equal value to their own. When that happens, an important channel for reciprocity opens.
Lastly, it is important to have the equal ability, willingness and opportunity to reflect on, and evaluate the relationship. Both must assume the responsibility to ask reflective open-ended questions like 'What is the most important benefit you got and how?' 'How do you think your partner benefited?' 'What did you feel you contributed?' 'What do you like best, or least?' and 'How can things be improved?' among other things. It is important to be able to describe their relationship with the partner, the benefits, drawbacks, and challenges of being together, and suggestions for improvement by both.
Therefore, to establish a reciprocal nature in a relationship, it is necessary for both partners to enjoy relative equity in levels or power, both partners must collaborate in the formulation and design of the relationship, put themselves in both roles of giver and receiver in the partnership, and work together willingly in assessing and evaluating the relationship as many times as needed to improve or correct it.
Of course, in real life, it is difficult to meet the requirements of an ideal reciprocal relationship. Limitations can and do exist in forging relationships of mutual dependency and mutual benefit between partners, as individuals and expectations differ, abilities, willingness, and levels of maturity rarely coincide, and relative levels of power can only be gauged imperfectly. Most times, the relationships that do succeed happen to do so unplanned, and survive on the good intentions, love and mutual respect between the partners. In those cases, the requirements for a reciprocal relationship fortuitously end up falling into place. A deliberate attempt at understanding Reciprocal Relationships would be difficult, but presents a higher likelihood to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship.
About the Author:
Copyright © Ren Rejante
Ren Rejante is the webmaster at How to Improve A Relationship.com where he discusses various topics on relationships. Visit today at http://howtoimprovearelationship.com/

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Monogamy and Polygamy

Monogamy and polygamy are two topics that pose endless arguments between sects of people in different parts of the world.  Choosing which is better or morally and ethically correct actually depends on what you believe in and where you live.  However, before we move any further into discussing some of the problems that these two topics pose, we should discuss them in a little more detail to better our understanding of the concepts.
What is it?
Monogamy is a type of marriage in which allows for only one spouse at a time, whereas, polygamy allows for a number of spouses at one time.  This does not relate specifically to men, but also women.  The reason I am pointing this out is because we normally hear about men having multiple spouses at one time, but there are a lot of cases in which women have been found to be the one with multiple partners. The problem with this is that most societies will label women harshly if she indulges with more than one partner at one time.  To further cement the lack of acceptance of women polygamists, look at all the religions that allow this act and how they only give permission to men.  Not to argue that this is hypocritical, but religion is what it is and there is no one who can argue what has been bestowed upon us.
 Religion
Islam is one of the most heralded religions that clearly state that a single man can have up to four wives at one time.  However, this comes with some specific conditions, such as making sure that all of them have equal rights, the same living conditions and quality of life, as well dividing the time up between the wives equally.  If these conditions cannot be met, religiously it is wrong to take up multiple wives.   On the contrary, if you look at Christian states they have very strict rules against polygamy and such behavior is actually considered a crime there.   They do not consider it to be the morally right thing to do because they consider it a mutual relationship that is based on dignity and affection that cannot be divided amongst other women.  Simply meaning all your feelings and belongings got to be devoted to a single spouse.

The Western World
Most western states condemn Polygamy regardless of an individual's religion, for example, a Muslim man cannot have multiple wives if he is a citizen of the United States. If the officials find anyone who practices this activity, even though citizens have a freedom of religion, they will be charged with a crime.  But to outright protest and claim that one is better than the other is something that one individual cannot argue because it is a very sensitive topic, especially since religions are involved. Leaning one way basically means that you're going against the other religion and given the volatile times - that is the last thing anyone wants to do.  Therefore, the only thing that is advisable is that you follow your religion and do as you are expected based on the guidance provided to you by your religious scriptures and books, obviously taking in consideration the country you live in and base your decision on that!

http://justloving.com/ - all the love advice you can get in one place! A modern lover's eMag.

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Relationships: The Healing Power Of Relationships

Whether it is relationships with friends, acquaintances or spousal for example; they all have the potential for healing and consequently growth to occur.Opportunities are presented for one to integrate and process those parts that lay dormant; that are waiting to be realised. We are also given the chance to heal or let go of those parts that are negative or dysfunctional.
Happiness, Suffering And Pain
This also means that relationships have the power to create not only incredible happiness; but also unbelievable amounts of suffering and pain.
Relationships
The reason relationships have the potential for both happiness and pain is because they are triggering and reminding us of our past. A past that likely had numerous traumatic encounters, needs that were ignored and neglected and moments of rejection and abandonment.
This is something that is unavoidable; our caregivers were only human after all. However the degree to which these things happened, the intensity and how they were interpreted during ones younger years is what will define present day challenges.
Repression And Dissociation
These childhood experiences that were stressful and overwhelming had to be dealt with somehow to ensure survival. With the brains ability to question not being developed at this stage; the ego mind had to protect and deal with them, with repression and dissociation often being the defences of choice.
Self Blame
During the years when we are completely dependent on our caregivers, we idealise them and make them into god like figures. To see them in any other way would create high levels of stress and uncertainty around ones survival. This causes the child to blame themselves for any inadequacy the parent might have or wrongdoing that has been carried out.
This could be called a defence mechanism, as it helps to ensure survival. However, if it's not looked at or questioned later on in life, there can be the tendency to carry on blaming oneself for everything that happens; taking on an inordinate amount of responsibility.
Pain
Through repression and dissociation and after many years have passed, these old traumatic experiences will start to re-emerge. These will likely appear externally as the same or similar behaviours, environments and relationships and internally as the same feelings, thoughts and sensations that were experienced during those years.
Happiness
When we experience happiness in a relationship we are potentially reliving those lost moments of our childhood or being treated in ways that are the complete opposite of how we were treated during our childhood.
People We Despise
Part of what creates pain in relationships is behaviours that create tension, frustration and anger. These can cause one to despise the other person or people. What one comes to despise in another is often what they have come to identify with themselves and repressed; it is then completely out of their awareness,
However it is often a behaviour that is experienced a lot and something that causes a strong reaction. Perhaps this was a behaviour that they were exposed to during their younger years on numerous occasions. And through the self blame, have come to identify with the behaviour; making it personal, which then continues to draw in experiences that mirror the past.
People We Admire
What makes up the feeling of happiness in relationships is often admiration towards the people in our life. This is often experienced when we have projected those parts, yet to be realised, onto another. These are parts that exist within us, traits and abilities that have been neglected and denied. These aspects are waiting to be embraced and acknowledged.
Perhaps it wasn't safe for us to express them during those years. It might have also been the result of criticism from our caregivers, leading us to believe we don't have what it takes to be those things our self.
On the larger scale admiration can also become a form worship and obsession. Something that is common in today's culture with celebrities, musicians and sports stars.
How Long Will It Last?
When it comes to the early stages of the happiness, admiration and even idealisation that is experienced in a relationship; it's only a matter of time before cracks will start to appear and a more balanced perspective is revealed. As to how long this will be, depends upon many different factors.
How the relationship develops and how conscious and aware one is, will naturally influence how long it lasts for.
Seeing In Absolutes
The mind works in absolutes and likes to see everything in black or white; seeing someone as perfect is a normal consequence of the mind and an unmonitored mind will not suspect this.
Different processes will be utilized, to block out anything that goes against the minds tendency of only seeing in absolutes; which can help to keep the illusion of perfection alive. These can cause one to deny, dismiss and edit anything that goes against it.
It is said that chemicals are released in the brain during the early stages of an intimate relationship, of which the effects are the equivalent of being stoned.
Once Its Over
Once this stage or phase has come to pass and balance is restored, one will likely start to see behaviours and characteristics that create pain.
What has been repressed and pushed out of conscious awareness will appear once more, with the hope of being acknowledged; so that it can be processed and integration can be achieved.
The Healing Power Of Relationships
Whether it is through being around people who make us feel good or through people who have the opposite effect, they are both giving us valuable feedback.
The people who press our buttons or who we despise are showing what we are still holding onto. The memories and effects that they produce are still stuck in our mind and body. Patterns and situations are then created that reflect the past and situations are continually interpreted as if they were the same.
Conscious Relationships
This shows the importance and value of having relationships that allow one to be open and honest; where one can feel safe and supported. People who have this kind of relationship or who have experienced it will undoubtedly feel a deep sense of gratitude.
It might be the kind of relationship that is only possible with a therapist at first and through the work of processing and working on ones history; starts to spread into other relationships.
Being around people who can mirror and support us is extremely important. This assists in our healing process and in the realisation that it can be different. We can also internalize there ways or behaving and responding to us, thereby transforming our own self image and changing our inner models.
However, even in a conscious relationship there will be moments and occasions where reactive behaviours appear. We are only human after all and are not perfect. We all have defences that are in place to keep us safe. And they will stay there until our awareness and perception around them changes.
My name is Oliver Cooper, I been have been actively interested in self enquiry and self healing for over eight years. For just over a year I have been expressing my understandings with these transformational writings. One of my aims is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been to me.
Feel free to join the Facebook Group - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Of-Resonance-Transformational-Writing/134282036672239?sk=wall

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Men and Women in Modern Times

A woman always worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets wife. This older adage rings true to me in several ways. What do you think? What is it in a woman's DNA that encourages her to strive for marriage and the biological need to have a child or two? What is it in a man's DNA that encourages him to be on the lookout for multiple sexual opportunities, to leave his towel and other dirty clothes laying all over the house, and to be right all the time? Understanding men and women will never be as easy as reading a book or a blog. And at the same time we seem to think we know everything about them.But if we did understand men and women as well as we would like to think we do we would have no need for the hundreds of seminars, thousands of relationship counselors, and tens of thousands of books on this subject. It is no surprise that most of the counselors and authors writing about this subject are women. Not that men don't care, but 'right now there's work to do'. Understanding the root causes of men and women's behavior requires that we travel back hundreds of thousands of years to when these traits literally were being programmed into our DNA.
Understanding the very different roles that men and women evolved into, and why, is important to understanding modern men and women's behavior. The roles that our distant ancestors played in their relationships and in their societies do not fit very well, if at all, into our modern society. When a man's survival, his very life, hinged on his ability to track down and kill some food, sometimes miles from his "home" and find his way back with it depended on his problem solving abilities, self-reliance and navigation skills. And with his fairly short lifespan spreading his seed (read 'sex' here) around was mandatory for the survival of our species.
But a woman's survival depended on vastly different things than a man. Understanding that women evolved as a kind of nest protector. But this role did not always mean physically defending her home and children. What it meant was building bonds with the other women in her village or area. It meant knowing every possible piece of information that would allow her to be of help to others and to know which others could be of help to her. Being physically weaker than a man, individually, was compensated for by being part of a large bonded group. Gathering fruits and veggies was also a primary role for our prehistoric mothers. They would have always stayed in sight of home to do their gathering. In fact the closer they stayed to home the safer they and their children were. And they often went as a group, talking, bonding and exploring (shopping) all the while.
But having said that it is not a good enough excuse for a woman to say "Honey, you go out and make all the money and pay all the bills and I'll just stay home and raise the kids and bond with the neighbors". But it's also not a good enough excuse for a man to say "I'm so sorry Honey, I couldn't resist having that affair with her, and her, and her, it's in my DNA". Our larger, more evolved brains, allows us to override the instinct, urges and drives that each of us is constantly dealing with. Understanding that men and women have always had their separate and distinct roles to play made life less complicated and more secure. Men and women have lost that understanding of their distinct roles. Our modern society simply cannot accommodate that simple clear division of labor any longer. And yet that is exactly what we continue to strive for.
In our modern times a woman does not need a man to provide for her. She is perfectly capable of getting the education, the job, build the business, and/or be as independent as she wants. A man can worry about his future and plan, work, and secure that future for himself independent of the catalyst of a wife or children. Understanding men and women in our modern times, in our fast paced and often conflicting societal roles, leads to a lot of confusion and insecurity. The modern society we live in began to take shape less than 150 years ago. And the confusion and insecurity over what our roles are in that modern society began about 50 years ago. That's an extremely short amount of time to overcome hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary programming.
Understanding what men and women are thinking and feeling, about each other, about their role in life, about what role they want to play, about what role they're expected to play, about what role they used to play, is all very confusing. Understanding the men and women in your life is only slightly more difficult than they understanding themselves.
I am Danny L Churchill and I host an article/blog site called: http://myworld-myway.net/ exploring many of the ways and means available to improve my life, my thinking, my happiness, my world and my relationship. The role men and women play in each other's lives is essential. But the way we go about playing those roles needs
much improvement. http://relationships.myworld-myway.net/

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Past Impact on Current Relationships

Much of what we know about relationships came through childhood experiences. Those experiences taught us how to relate to people. We also learnt about relationships by what was modeled to us by our caregivers (parents). These personal experiences and modeling molded us. Our experiences and the modeling we were exposed to may have been positive or negative. As children, we saw how our parents interacted with each other and with other people including ourselves. These observations taught us what we believe to be the role of the father in the home, the role of the mother and so forth. Some people may have learnt what we believe to be the role of parents by what not to do (if our experiences were negative). When we interacted with our parents and when we observed them interacting with each other we stood before a choice: To adopt the modeling and make it part of who we are, or to reject it and adopt the opposite. Either way, it has shaped both who we are, and what we believe, with regards to relationships, finances, parenting, and many other topics.The modeling we received may thus be a blessing or, alternatively, may result in negative baggage we carry into current relationships. Many of the issues harming current relationships find their origin in the past. We often mistakenly think that our spouses are the problem. Most couples who come see me for relational difficulties walk into my office blaming each other. The truth is that we come to the relationship with pre-existing issues. It just so happens that his issues coincide with her issues. Yes, we may trigger each other's issues and we may cause pain, but that is because the wounds are there already. Normal pressure on a wound hurts. But it is not the pressure per se causing the hurt it is the pre-existing wound.
Our pasts leave us with some wounds and it also leaves us with tainted views or mindsets. These mindsets preprogram our thinking. It can even dupe us to project past experiences onto our spouses. We need to realize that our spouses are not identical to the people from our past. When we design hearts, we don't play the blame game. It does not do anybody any good to blame a spouse for what (issues and mindset) you believe he/she brought into the marriage. Rather, we need to look into our past to help us to really get to know who we are and to understand how we think and function. Examining our pasts provide a starting point from which we can begin to design new hearts.
• Think back about how the past shaped you;
• Look for past patterns and experiences which repeat themselves in current relationships;
• Learn to spot when current situations bring back past pain;
• Forgive the past and try to heal instead of carrying it with you into the future;
• Separate your spouse (in your thinking) from people who have hurt you in the past;
• Separate your negative feelings about your past from current experiences (as far as possible);
• Do not blame your spouse for what really comes from your past;
• Work on dealing with your past, not your spouse's.
We can, over time, learn to minimize the past's negative impact on current relationships. We can cherish and build on past positive experiences and continue them in the future. Let's dwell on the positive and heal the negative.
Pierre F. Steenberg, Ph.D., D.Min. is a relationship expert, a counselor, and a marriage seminar presenter. http://www.designinghearts.com/
To receive your free PDF on using Genograms to analyze your relationship please visit: http://www.designinghearts.com/.

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Why Some Relationships Work And Some Don't

One of the reasons that my practice of Hand Analysis and Life Purpose Decoding is so accurate is because it is based upon FACT. A well known FACT about hands that is applied by police departments all over the world is that fingerprints are unique to each person and they are used to identify criminals who were specifically involved in a crime.Why is it important to recognize that everyone has a unique set of fingerprints on their hands? Because in my practice of Hand Analysis, the finger prints are the key to each person's Life Purpose and each person has their own unique reason for being here. Also realize that because your fingerprints do not change, your Life Purpose does not change; your Life Purpose is with you from the day you are born until the day you die.
Because of the way your hands are formed, out of the same material as your brain during the second trimester of pregnancy, there is a lifelong connection between your brain and your hands. As your brain records the experiences you have had in your life - both good and bad - these experiences are recorded in the lines and shapes of your hands. The lines on your hands can and do change often because they in fact are reflecting the daily activity and life experiences that you are having.
These lines, combined with the shape of the hands and fingers explain how you interact with the world and others around you both consciously and subconsciously. I have some amazing examples of clients whose hand prints I have taken, then six months later I reprinted them as the clarity I was able to give them worked its magic through their consciousness and their lives, and their new prints are SO different.
Why am I telling you this and what has it got to do with relationships?
We all interact with other people on a daily basis, some people we interact with more than others. We have romantic relationships with some; we have parent child relationships with others. Some people we only see when we go to the store or the gas station. Because each of us is so different, interactions with every person around us will be unique and different.
The relationships that are really important to us are the ones I want to focus on here; the relationships in which we have an emotional investment, specifically our family and loved ones.
Is there someone in your life that you are supposed to love or respect and they just frustrate you? A parent or a child? A husband or a wife? A boyfriend or a girlfriend? (And they possibly feel the same way about you?).
How can this be resolved?
Here's what I have discovered..... With a Hand Analysis I am able to uncover the Life Purpose, Life Lesson and Soul Agenda for both people in a relationship. When these differences are explained and discussed and coached through with my assistance, it usually becomes clear to both clients why each is acting a certain way and brings amazing clarity to the relationship. I am constantly hearing things like: "Oh, now I understand why he is like that"; "Oh, now I understand why my Dad acts that way"; "No wonder you react that way when I say this or that, it's because your Life Purpose is so different from mine"; "Now I realize why my son and daughter are so different". The level of understanding, clarity and communication in these relationships can positively change so fast, just like a miracle. A free download "Super Secret Signs Hiding On Your Hands" is available at http://www.nadiatumas.com.

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