The Importance of Understanding Reciprocal Relationships

Understanding Reciprocal Relationships is an important consideration in any attempt to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship. Most people in relationships come by this understanding either by happenstance or through lifelong experience. Some never do, and end up with their relationship irreparably damaged or broken. "Reciprocal" is roughly defined as "given or felt by each toward the other; mutual". The World English Dictionary defines it as "indicating that action is given and received by each subject".In order for a relationship to be reciprocal, focus must pertain to both partners. If the relationship is beneficial or advantageous primarily for one side, an automatic imbalance of power and interest surfaces. The one side gets to reap the benefits to the detriment of the other, and such a relationship cannot survive long. Oftentimes, the benefits to the recipient in a relationship is immediately obvious; but sometimes the benefit is one obtained from the act of giving(or serving), which itself has latent benefits that the giver alone derives. Furthermore, there are relationships, where one typically only receives rather than gives; and while this may seem at a glance to be beneficial to the recipient, it may be in effect detrimental, as the recipient generally does so as a passive recipient, an empty vessel, a mere beneficiary of some unspecified charitable act, stripped of his own power or will to choose or act for himself.
In a more balanced relationship, individuals offer a service to one another and both individuals experience learning - thereby benefiting both relatively equally, and engaging relatively equally. This conceptualization blurs the lines between serving and learning from having served, and receiving and learning from having received. It suggests that there are ultimate psychological and emotional benefits to giving (or serving) as well as to receiving.
To achieve these more balanced ends, both partners must collaborate in the processes of designing, implementing, and assessing the relationship experience. They must have comparably equivalent levels of power in order to embed their needs in the development of the relationship, protect their needs when it is enacted, and evaluate how their needs are met throughout the duration of the relationship. Therefore, in order to determine the reciprocal nature of a relationship, then, one must consider not only the focus of the relationship as well as who benefits, but also the relative power of both participants in setting that focus and designating who benefits.
In her study of reciprocal relationship for service-learning, Jerusha O. Conner, an assistant professor of education at Villanova University in Pennsylvania, proposes a third overarching dimension that I apply in romantic relationships called "agency," which includes this design element, but also the implementation, as well as the process of assessing how the design's intentions were carried out. The agency dimension captures the relative power of each partner to frame needs and set parameters; to act; and finally to reflect and evaluate. When the balance of power across these three domains is equitable, reciprocity becomes more likely.
Using her conceptual model of Agency, there are three 'powers' or 'domains' that must exist in the relationship between the parties:
1. Power to Design - both parties collaborate in designing and framing the terms, the intentions (goals), the needs requirements and criteria for satisfaction, and the parameters and structures;
2. Power to Act - both parties assume the roles of server and recipient and thereby each deriving the benefits of both roles.
3. Power to Evaluate - both partners reflect on and assess the experience and the relationship as a whole. Both get to learn about each other and about the influence of each other's giving by evaluating each other's satisfaction.
It is critical to underscore the point that in a reciprocal relationship, one partner provides as valuable a service to the other partner, as the other partner provided in return. In the first aspect - the designing of a relationship, it is critical to note that there must be relative equity in the balance of power and status in the relationship between the partners, highlighting each individual's assets and strengths, while simultaneously addressing their needs. Each partner has something to derive from the other; and each has something they can contribute to the other. Each lacks some benefit that the other can provide. The design of the relationship should therefore have a structure that supports, promotes and enhances the development of a more reciprocal, balanced relationship between the partners.
In the second aspect - that of performing both roles of giver and recipient - both are able to learn from, and about, the other. As both giver and receiver derive altogether different benefits from the role, it becomes necessary for each to enter the role directly and experience it firsthand in order to benefit (or learn) from the exchange. This helps deepen their understanding, and hence appreciate, the connection to, and respect for the other partner. More importantly they derive the manifest and latent benefits of performing both roles. Furthermore, doing so brings experiences that allow each one to question their own biases, expectations and assumptions, and allows each partner to recognize the other's strengths and gifts as being of equal value to their own. When that happens, an important channel for reciprocity opens.
Lastly, it is important to have the equal ability, willingness and opportunity to reflect on, and evaluate the relationship. Both must assume the responsibility to ask reflective open-ended questions like 'What is the most important benefit you got and how?' 'How do you think your partner benefited?' 'What did you feel you contributed?' 'What do you like best, or least?' and 'How can things be improved?' among other things. It is important to be able to describe their relationship with the partner, the benefits, drawbacks, and challenges of being together, and suggestions for improvement by both.
Therefore, to establish a reciprocal nature in a relationship, it is necessary for both partners to enjoy relative equity in levels or power, both partners must collaborate in the formulation and design of the relationship, put themselves in both roles of giver and receiver in the partnership, and work together willingly in assessing and evaluating the relationship as many times as needed to improve or correct it.
Of course, in real life, it is difficult to meet the requirements of an ideal reciprocal relationship. Limitations can and do exist in forging relationships of mutual dependency and mutual benefit between partners, as individuals and expectations differ, abilities, willingness, and levels of maturity rarely coincide, and relative levels of power can only be gauged imperfectly. Most times, the relationships that do succeed happen to do so unplanned, and survive on the good intentions, love and mutual respect between the partners. In those cases, the requirements for a reciprocal relationship fortuitously end up falling into place. A deliberate attempt at understanding Reciprocal Relationships would be difficult, but presents a higher likelihood to develop, preserve, improve or enhance a relationship.
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Ren Rejante is the webmaster at How to Improve A Relationship.com where he discusses various topics on relationships. Visit today at http://howtoimprovearelationship.com/

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