* You live together in a rented apartment, and tell yourself you can't break the lease and rent an apartment by yourself.
* You are busy at work and convince yourself you don't have the time or energy to deal with "these kinds of issues".
* You are about to graduate and tell yourself that right now it's better to concentrate on successfully completing your degree.
* You are expecting to hear about a new job that you were interviewed for and prefer not to make any changes in your current situation until you hear if you were hired.
* You tell yourself that in your state of health it's better to wait.
On the surface, some of these rationalizations and justifications sound very logical, as this is their function. The truth is that the fear of change exerts so much power over you, that you resist any possibility of making a move. It's easier for you to stay in the current situation, rather than initiating a process of change. Eventually, you resort to cast doubt on the need for change, or your ability to make it.
Casting doubt on the need for change: Scott
Scott feels that he should do something about his relationship with Pat. Since she began her new job, she's forgotten that she has a partner. It's not that he's against her professional advancement - on the contrary: he was the one who supported and encouraged her to study and move forward. But now that she's finished school, it seems to him that she's pushed him aside and is moving ahead only at work.
But then, maybe he is exaggerating. Maybe he is asking too much. Maybe he really doesn't understand how hard she works and what responsibilities she has.
Explanation:
Scott isn't satisfied with Pat. He feels that she isn't devoting him enough time. But he resists doing anything about it because he's afraid:
* To discover that she may not love him anymore.
* That she might become even more remote.
* That she might leave him.
Frightened by what changing the nature of his relationship with Pat might bring about, Scott casts doubt on the need to initiate any change at all. He tells himself that he has been carried away by his expectations.
The difficulty in changing habits and the resistance to stepping outside of your comfort zone might drive you to cast doubts on the need for change. You begin to wonder if the situation is really as bad as it seems. You tell yourself: "Things aren't so bad with my partner. Actually, everything is basically okay".
Casting doubts on your ability to change: Jill
Jill wants a partner that will fill her with pleasure and satisfaction, growth and personal fulfillment. Is it too much to ask for?
The problem is that she's been with Nick for four years, and even though he isn't good for her, she doesn't believe she'll ever find someone better.
"That's my fate", she tells her friends, and "I guess that's the way it's supposed to be". Despite her desire to break up with him and find another partner, she doesn't dare to leave.
When you, like Jill, resist the prospect of change, casting doubts on your ability to change, you might justify to yourself why it's better to avoid initiating any change but rather stay in the existing situation. You tell yourself:
* "I don't stand a chance."
* "There's no hope."
* "It's impossible."
* "Others have tried and failed, why should I succeed?"
Casting doubts on your ability to change causes you to stay in the current unsatisfying situation.
The steps you need to take in order to stop justifying yourself and make a change
When you are in an unsatisfying relationship and don't have the courage to make a change neither in the relationship nor leave, instead resorting to using rationalizations and explanations to justify not initiating any change, you quite likely end up bitter, angry, frustrated and stuck.
When you become aware of your rationalizations and the fears controlling them you are then able to move forward in making the necessary changes. This involves:
* Acknowledging the rationalizations and justifications you have been using to stay foot in your current situation.
* Admitting and combating the fears and resistances that control you.
* Initiating change and bring new quality to your life.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He has taught this subject to thousands of students and has written more than 100 related articles. Dr. Gil is the author of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's expertise, book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com/
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